Fifty Mission Cap

Too Much Depth? Sorting the Logjam

2011-09-26T18:40:00.000-07:00

Defenceman Mike Komisarek, outside of his natural habitat for the upcoming season, known as 'the press box.'

After today's cuts, the Toronto Maple Leafs are left with 29 players in training camp. With a week remaining, six more cuts will have to be made; roughly one goaltender, two blueliners, and three forwards.

Forwards

Up front, the Leafs top six is pretty much set in stone, with the Lupul-Connolly-Kessel and Kulemin-Grabovski-Macarthur lines making up the Leafs top two lines. Where the competition ensues, however, will be in the bottom six. As James Mirtle notes, improving the offensive depth on these two lines will be where the playoffs are won or lost:

While Toronto’s top four forwards in Phil Kessel, Nikolai Kulemin, Mikhail Grabovski and Clarke MacArthur contributed 112 goals – 53 per cent of the team’s total – the rest of the group had just 66 on the season.
That’s a stark contrast from last season’s playoff-bound teams. The top four forwards on the eight Eastern Conference playoff teams averaged 103 goals last season – slightly less than the Leafs – but had far more depth, getting an average of 111 goals from their other forwards.

The Leafs certainly have more to work with than they did last year. It appears more likely by the day that offseason acquisition Matt Lombardi, and the emergence of young players Nazem Kadri and Matt Frattin.

Where things get confusing, however, is who stays and who goes. With a 23-man roster, it's likely that Wilson will carry twelve forwards and keep two more in the pressbox. While Mike Brown is injured, there may be some reprieve; however, even then, you still have the likes of Kadri, Frattin, Lombardi, Colby Armstrong, Tyler Bozak, Phillippe Dupuis, Darryl Boyce, Joey Crabb, Colton Orr and Jay Rosehill. Of these ten players, only six will get opening day spots, while one will be sent to the pressbox, and three more will be cut.

In a perfect world, it should be Colton Orr who is sent to the pressbox. He is an enforcer whose skill set doesn't extend beyond beating the crap out of other teams' enforcers. That said, (1) he's good for about 5 points a season, if that; (2) he is a weak skater who is terrible in his own zone; (3) the Leafs have Rosehill, who can take on the enforcer role and is better at #2 than Orr. He could be kept as a 13th forward a la enforcers like Brian McGrattan, Matt Carkner and Deryk Engelland, but should not be a mainstay on the roster.

With a recovery from concussion, it's speculated Lombardi will be pencilled in as a 4C to work his way up in minutes, and Armstrong will be on the third line. Since Crabb has contributed next to nothing in camp, he'll be an easy cut to make. As for Frattin, he's shown some serious skill, but could benefit from a year in the AHL. How it should play out (though with Burke and Wilson's man love for Orr, I doubt it will):

Kadri-Bozak-Armstrong

Dupuis-Lombardi-Boyce/Frattin

EX: Orr

Eventually, I think Lombardi and Bozak will switch lines at centre when he is healthier. Also, I'd put Frattin at the top of the list for injury callups when the inevitable occurs. That said, he could be a solid contributor to some much needed offence on the 4th line when called up.

In any event, the goal should be to produce a fourth line similar to the mold of the Boston Bruins Thornton-Campbell-Paille line, that checks well, produces energy and can generate some offence. Enforcers like Orr and Rosehill are nice on occasion, but drastically deprive the Leafs of offensive depth that will be key to making the playoffs.

Defence

Also at question is what will happen on defence. There are spots for six blueliners and one extra, leaving two more players to be cut. Guaranteed locks for the roster are Dion Phaneuf, Luke Schenn, John-Michael Liles and Cody Franson. Beyond that, however, there are more questions than answers.

Also competing for spots are young players from last year's roster, such as Carl Gunnarsson, Keith Aulie, and Matt Lashoff. Questions also circulate around veteran Mike Komisarek, who has had anything but a successful two seasons in Toronto, and young Jake Gardiner, who has impressed the Leafs brass at camp.

Again, speculating what will happen is a lost cause, so the best I can do is tell you what I think should happen. Gardiner is a tough decision to make, but I believe getting top pair minutes with the Marlies is best for his career. Jumping from NCAA hockey to a rigorous, physically demanding 82-game schedule cannot be understated and time in the AHL could facilitate a smooth transition. That said, Gardiner should be kept as the top injury callup, and if he's solid enough with the Marlies, I could see such a callup being permanent.

Beyond that, Lashoff has had a very weak camp, leaving no justification to keep him with the big club. The reason that he was a fixture on the Leafs last season (i.e. that he wasn't Brett Lebda) is no longer valid. And Komisarek, despite whatever assets he may have as a locker room leader, just lacks the skill to be a regular roster player. If the Leafs are to ice the best blueline possible, there is no way Komisarek should be on it.

As for who will be around, I'm among the many who believe Carl Gunnarsson is greatly underrated and ready for bigger minutes. I also think Keith Aulie, while looking decent with Phaneuf, could benefit from a more sheltered role. Moreover, if Gardiner was to likely take anyone's job, my money's on Aulie.

Gunnarsson-Phaneuf

Liles-Schenn

Aulie-Franson

EX: Komisarek

Goaltending

The easiest decision to make has been saved for last. There's no question that James Reimer will be the starting job, and, 4-0 loss to the Flyers aside, he looked on par with Ryan Miller in a game against Buffalo where he posted a 2.00 GAA and .939 SV%. The major question in net has been between Jonas Gustavsson and Ben Scrivens for the backup position. Gustavsson had a terrible season last year, and Scrivens has looked good in what time he has seen in the preseason.

While some may look for Scrivens to steal the backup job, cap realities (such as Gustavsson having to go on waivers), make it very likely that the Monster will be given every chance to redeem himself. While I am still doubtful as to whether he can do this, he's been decent enough this preseason to warrant another chance. At a bare minimum, if Gustavsson proves to be abyssmal again this season, there should be enough faith in Scrivens to make the switch; but, in the meantime, Scrivens could benefit from more starts with the Marlies.

Reimer

Gustavsson

Toronto Maple Leafs: My Predictions for the 2011-12 Season

2011-09-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

Insert your joke about Carlton scoring more than any other Leafs player here.

With the 2011-12 preseason coming today, and the regular season, not far behind, it's time to take a look at what the future will hold for Leafs Nation. And why bother predicting things in terms of wins and losses, when you take a look at the happenings of this next season? And so, here is my detailed prediction of the Leafs 2011-12 season.

OCTOBER 6: The Leafs open their 2011-12 NHL season with a game at home against the rival Montreal Canadiens.

OCTOBER 7: After a lengthy pre-game ceremony, set of player introductions, and sounding the ACC buzzer enough times to ensure every member of both teams is awake, the game actually begins.

OCTOBER 11: The Leafs take to the ice at the ACC for a game, only to be surprised to see no opposing team out there with them. When asked about this, coach Ron Wilson said, "I thought the NHL was joking when they said they gave us a week off two games into the season. I mean, when has their scheduling ever been that ridiculous?"

OCTOBER 15: The Calgary Flames visit the Leafs. A scheme put together by Burke is successful as Mike Komisarek is sent into the Flames dressing room on a fake errand and comes out with a 9-year contract from Jay Feaster.

OCTOBER 20: The Leafs visit the Stanley Cup champion Boston Bruins. Brad Marchand's attempts to rile up opposing players strangely ends in a deja vu of the Cup Finals, only Marchand is punching himself in the face without any retaliation while being encouraged by Dion Phaneuf to "stop hitting himself" for some reason.

NOVEMBER 2-3: The Leafs go on a two-game road trip, playing New Jersey and Columbus. Hockey viewership that week in Ontario is as high as it was the week in October that there was no hockey.

NOVEMBER 8: The Leafs host a struggling Florida Panthers team playing in a weak Southeast Division in what's billed as 'the easiest f@#$ing win you could ask for." So, of course, they lose 8-1.

NOVEMBER 22: The Leafs play their first game against the new-look Tampa Bay Lightning. Leaf fans fail to pay attention to the score as they spend most of the game confusedly trying to figure out which blue and white team is theirs.

DECEMBER 13: A home game against the Carolina Hurricanes- a team featuring many ex-Leafs- prompts a video tribute of highlights from the Leafs 2007-08 season. Consisting of three seconds of lewd pictures of Jiri Tlusty, it sets a record as the shortest pre-game ceremony in ACC history.

DECEMBER 19: After a game against the Leafs, a confused Kings team wonders why Drew Doughty isn't on the team plane. GM Dean Lombardi tells the team not to worry about it while, on the tarmac in his line of sight, Brian Burke is carrying an unconscious Doughty in a wheelbarrow while making the throat slash gesture in his direction.

DECEMBER 23: A confused Leafs team is late for its game against the New York Islanders after arriving at Nassau County Veterans Coliseum, only to find the doors locked and a note posted on the door with a forwarding address to some place in Brooklyn.

DECEMBER 25: Christmas Break. Either the Leafs are atop their division at this point, which will result in a long losing streak that will tumble them into a sad 9th place finish, or the Leafs are last in the East at this point, which will result in a four-month hot streak that will vault them into a sad 9th place finish.

DECEMBER 31: The Leafs ring in the New Year playing their first game in Winnipeg in fifteen years against the reborn Jets. Despite being sidetracked by the inspirational return of a small-market Canadian franchise in the first period, the Leafs finally remember they used to be the Atlanta Thrashers, and proceed to pummel them for nine goals.

JANUARY 5: On a day where the Leafs have a home date against the Jets, Torontonians are worried when what seems like an earthquake hits the city. In actuality, it was just Dustin Byfuglien and Kyle Wellwood getting off the team plane at the same time.

JANUARY 10: When the Buffalo Sabres visit Toronto, Brian Burke is angered to find out from GM Darcy Regier that no, Tim Connolly did not come with a two-year warranty, and, no, the Sabres will not send him a replacement.

JANUARY 19: The Leafs defeat the Minnesota Wild using the brilliant tactical strategy of convincing the team's leading scorer Dany Heatley that it's actually the postseason.

JANUARY 28: The annual All-Star Weekend, or as its better known in the Leafs locker room, The "So....Any Good Movies Playing?" Weekend.

FEBRUARY 4: The Leafs play the Senators, setting a Leaf franchise record for the largest home crowd turnout in history. Many pundits attribute this to the fact that the game was played in Ottawa.

FEBRUARY 14: In a game against the Calgary Flames, Luke Schenn lands in hot water after a questionable hit on former teammate Lee Stempniak. Schenn defends himself saying the contact was accidental because he didn't see Stempniak. The NHL sides with Schenn, stating that Stempniak being invisible is a common occurrence.

FEBRUARY 17: In a marquee Saturday matchup against the Vancouver Canucks, HNIC announcer Jim Hughson manages to stay relatively objective, only condemning two Leaf players to death for hits that were embellished by the Sedin Twins, and managing to blatantly celebrate Canuck goals without crying tears of joy.

FEBRUARY 25: In a game against Washington, confusion ensues when TV viewers think Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau randomly grew a beard. Further inspection, however, shows that it was actually a massive chocolate sauce stain his players neglected to tell him about.

FEBRUARY 29: The Leafs are shellacked by the Chicago Blackhawks when Jonathan Toews lights up the team for four goals. When asked about this, James Reimer said he was worried by Toews staring at him, thinking that Toews was trying to evaporate him with his mind.

MARCH 10: The Leafs manage to beat the Philadelphia Flyers by default. The team fails to show up for the game after getting stuck on Toronto Island, being sent there by Peter Laviolette after the Leafs front office convinced him it was the real 'Dry Island'.

MARCH 17: In a mid-March game against the lowly Ottawa Senators, with the Leafs outside of the playoff picture, Ron Wilson decides to fuck with the now-unemployed Howard Berger by calling for an illegal stick measurement after every single play.

MARCH 20: The Leafs, in the thick of the playoff race and coming off a 7-game winning streak, play an injury-plagued, basement-dwelling Islanders team who lost their seventh goalie of the season and had to sign the starter for a GTA beer league shinny team to a one-day contract to play out of desperation. The Islanders win 6-0.

MARCH 25: After captain Dion Phaneuf misses a game with an injury, Wilson is inspired by how contemplatively quiet the locker room is, until he's reminded that this is only because no one else on the team knows how to work the volume on the stereo.

APRIL 7: In the final game of the season with major playoff implications for the opposing Montreal Canadiens, the Leafs either win and knock them out of the postseason, or the Leafs lose and they squeak into 8th. Either way, the Montreal faithful flip over roughly ten cars and set them on fire, so the result doesn't really matter.

APRIL 8: The end of the season. As the team comes to clean out its locker, Ron Wilson wonders why his key won't open his office, and why his parking spot at the ACC says "RESERVED FOR S. GORDON." Leafs fans start deciding who will be their bandwagon team this season, before ultimately settling once again on whoever plays the Canucks. And bloggers continue recycling jokes from previous seasons they've used as material in the past.

Seventy's A Crowd

2011-09-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

The Leafs released their training camp list today. In a surprising- and unprecedented- move, the coaching staff decided to invite their entire roster to the Leafs rookie camp. This brings the total number of training camp attendees to 70 players.

Yes, 70. Or, in other words, enough to ice three 23-man rosters. On top of six goaltenders, they have enough players to roll 14 lines, play 10 defensive pairings, and still have a couple healthy scratches left over.

Preseason plays an important role in the NHL. For established NHLers, it's a chance to get some conditioning and ice time before a long 82-game season starts. For bubble players and up-and-coming rookies, it's a chance to compete for the vacant roster spots and impress your way into the lineup on Opening Day (see: Tim Brent, 2010). For younger players in need of development, it's a good chance to share the same ice as seasoned pros and getting top-tier coaching before going to the AHL for more seasoning. And for junior-aged players, it's a chance to get a taste of the NHL before going back to their junior club.

These are all important things that occur in preseason. The problem is a 70-man roster pretty much clusterfucks every single one of them.

Let's just state the obvious here. The Leafs roster will be down to 23 on October 6. All but maybe one or two of those positions, tops, are written in stone. Ron Wilson has even all but confirmed what his top three lines will be to start the season. So, in addition to roughly 20 people who are already a lock to make the team, you have maybe 3 or 4 more competing for the remaining spots. That's less than half this roster that has any realistic chance of making this team. Even if there is one Tim Brent we have yet to discover, there's about ten more that have no hope in hell of playing in the NHL this year (if ever).

Of these also-rans, some of their presences are vital. Our prospects, whether AHL or junior-bound, can rely on this for development. But, it seems for every one of these we have, there is a number of names on this roster that will be lucky to compete for a spot on the AHL roster. Is having the likes of Kyle Neuber, Kelsey Wilson, Mike Schwindt, or Denny Urban around that worthwhile? Honestly, how many games will it be before this lower tier of players is cut? One, if that?

Every season, players who have no chance of making the NHL are given invites to training camp (Mike Liambas, anyone?). But, in a year where roughly 25 people are competing for 23 spots, and the team is trying to provide solid development to another 10-15 prospects, it seems at least half of this 70-person roster is simply wasting time and taking away resources from players legitimately fighting for a spot or trying to progress their young careers. An invite to the AHL camp in October might be permissible, but the big leagues? Please.

Regardless of how much or little they play, every minute Matt Caruana is on the ice is a minute Matt Frattin isn't getting to prove whether or not he has the skillset to make the Leafs roster. Every minute Dave Cowan is out there is one that Jake Gardiner isn't to gain some valuable experience. These minutes are invested into players that will likely be cut within the first game, and they add up.

Even if it's just a minute, it's a waste. It's unfair to these lesser players, whose fate has been sealed, and to those who have a more serious shot in training camp. A big roster benefits nobody.

Offended By the Jets Logo? Solution: Get A Life.

2011-08-03T13:48:00.000-07:00

I am a fan of politics. I am a fan of hockey. I do, however, like as much possible to keep the two domains separate spheres in my life. I don't think politics should be brought into hockey (aside from basic, direct political decisions like arena funding and, etc.), and I certainly thinking bringing hockey into politics is absurd (though some people don't; just ask Shane Doan).

So, with this, I have to wonder why some people have their underwear in a knot over the Jets logo. The alleged accusations are of promoting militarism and government foreign policy.

Quoth Mark Chipman:

"We felt it was important to authenticate the name Jets and we believe the new logo does that through its connection to (Canada's) remarkable Air Force heritage, including the rich history and relationship that our city and province have enjoyed with the Canadian Forces."

The fact of the matter is, the Jets are hardly the first team to do this. In fact, if you're reading this, disagree with my sentiments on anti-logo types, and are a Leafs fan, you might want to find a new team to cheer for. Why? The Maple Leafs nickname was an homage to a regiment that fought in the First World War.

Too subtle for you? Why don't we take a look at the OHL's Brampton Batallion uniform which is not just overly militaristic, but also fucking ugly.

Where is the line in professional sports? Are people next going to have a problem with Luke Schenn's charity in support of the Canadian Forces for that reason? If this logo is such a problem, is there ever any end?

What people need to remember are two important things:

1) Military ≠ government policy.

2) It's a logo of a professional sports team. Get over it.

First, there is a difference between supporting the military, and supporting a government and its policies that enter the military into wars. You can be pro-military and anti-war; hell, I'd dare to argue there are circumstances where being anti-war is the most pro-military stance you could take.

From these posts, I've gleaned one thing, however controversial: the line with many anti-war people has blurred. There is a hesitance to admit to being anti-military on their part, but at the end of the day, that seems to be what it comes down to. After all, why care so much about a sports logo paying homage to Winnipeg's air force heritage (and not government policy) if you really are pro-military/neutral?

Second, there are a lot of important issues in the world right now. Poverty, famine, political unrest, unstable economies. The US, the world's largest economic power, is perpetually teetering on the brink of a major financial clusterfuck. If anyone wants to be passionate about these issues, good on them. But, if you're taking time away from these matters to focus so much energy on the logo of a professional sports team, you really do need to get a life. Please note, the world will still rotate on its axis because Mark Chipman wanted a fighter jet on his team's crest.

If there is any promotion of past Liberal and Conservative governments' policies in Afghanistan in this simple hockey logo, I don't see it. If occam's razor holds true, and all this logo amounts to is an homage to military heritage in Winnipeg, then I don't see the problem. Admittedly, if you see something offensive with honouring the military and devote more time to a silly logo than the real problems in the world, I have a hard time taking your opinion seriously.

Boston and Burke: Why I'm 'Rooting' (Reluctantly) For the Canucks in the Finals

2011-05-31T08:04:00.000-07:00

Regardless of who wins the Cup, this is my frontrunner choice for the Conn Smythe.

Okay; so it's no secret. I'm not about to be crowned Canucks superfan of the year.

So I'm not Jim Robson. But, I'm not Scott Burnside, either. So I'll try to break this down as objectively as possible from my own perspective.

First off, I don't believe the bunk that the Canucks are Canada's team. I'd say this with ANY Canadian team, including the Leafs. Canadians are free to cheer for who they want.

But, some Canuck fans doth protest too much regarding how fans in the 'Centre of the Universe' refuse to cheer for the Canucks. Or somehow control who is or isn't Canada's team. Or Brian Burke is tampering with national identity. Or something like that.

I think this tweet is kinda important to repost because it embodies the attitude that turns many Leaf fans away from the Canucks. I'm a Leaf fan in BC. I've put up with irrational hatred I'd expect from a divisional rival, but not from a team we see twice a season, stupid insults, jokes that aren't funny. You name it, Canucks fans have found some way to make some stupid joke at our expense about it. When our GM and coach were accused of tampering, you'd have thought from reading Canucks columnists that the Leafs had committed some form of high treason only punishable by hanging and a 1st round draft pick.

The best reason anyone can give me for this? Well, allegedly, Leaf Nation is some sort of consortium with power as great as the illuminati, that it controls the national sports media, the number of Leaf games broadcasted on HNIC, and the number of seizures caused by the pattern on Don Cherry's jacket. And it is them, and only them, who have affected the mood of the Canucks as 'Canada's Team'.

Well, I've got news for you guys: winning the hearts and minds of Canadian hockey fans who cheer for a team that isn't yours is a privilege, and not a national birthright. Given the crap that Leafs fans seem to endlessly take from Canucks fans despite any semblance of a rivalry or even being in the same conference, why should Leaf fans be obligated to cheer for Vancouver? Ridiculing our fan base, then begging for our support is akin to someone robbing you blind then asking you for bus fare to get home with your stuff. So, no, I can't blame any Leaf fans who wish to cheer against the Canucks. Their fanbase has reaped what they sowed in that regard, and if that's a problem....well, tough stanchions.

But, while most Canuck fans in their outrage and indignation (all, like, five of them that'll actually read this thing) will stop reading here, they might wanna continue. Because now I'm about to tell you why I'm cheering for the Vancouver Canucks in the Stanley Cup Finals.

Yes, you read that right. I will be rooting for the Canucks to win the Stanley Cup, despite the fact I will never hear the end of it for about 40 years. Or until the Leafs become a Cup-winning dynasty that make the 1970s Canadiens and 1980s Oilers cower in fear, right? Right?!

It has a lot to do with the opponent: the Boston Bruins.

Everyone loves an underdog. And the Bruins may be the underdog in the Stanley Cup Finals, but the City of Boston is by no means a sports underdog. Vancouver's last major sports championship was, well.....when you're citing A-League Soccer titles as a 'major championship' on Sportsnet, you're lacking in that department. Vancouver's NBA team flew the coop, so the Canucks are the city's only hope for a major sports championship. The Vancouver Millionaires won the Cup in the 1910s, and since then....nada.

Boston, on the other hand, has done nothing but win in the last decade. Between 2002 and 2011, the Patriots have won three Super Bowls (2002, 2004, 2005), the Red Sox two World Series (2004, 2007), and the Celtics one NBA championship (2008). If the Bruins win a Stanley Cup, they'll have fulfilled the Grand Slam of major sports in the span of a decade. The emotions of winning aren't exactly new to Boston sports fans. Nor is the emotion of never shutting up about winning to the rest of the world.

But, are Toronto sports fans really allied with Boston sports fans? What Leafs fan can tolerate Bruins fans who haven't shut up about the Kessel/Seguin trade (except when Kessel was tearing it up while Seguin was a healthy scratch, of course)? What Jays fan can put up with the smug Red Sox fans the world once pitied? What fan of....well, what football fan in general can even tolerate the f@#$ing Patriots and their bandwagon fanbase?

The more important storyline as a Leaf fan is this: if Boston wins, there's no doubt we'll hear endless storylines about how Tyler Seguin is in the Stanley Cup Finals and Phil Kessel isn't and blah blah blah. If Vancouver wins the Stanley Cup, I doubt the media will touch the topic much, but someone will bring up an obvious fact:

Now-Leafs GM and Assistant GM Brian Burke and Dave Nonis made the would-be Stanley Cup Champions what they are.

It's been evident so far in the playoffs. 72% of the Canucks scoring has come from homegrown Vancouver players acquired by Burke and Nonis. Look at the core of their roster. The Sedin twins. Ryan Kesler. Alex Burrows. Kevin Bieksa. Roberto Luongo. All acquired or drafted by either Burke or Nonis. And without those decisions made by either of these Leafs executive, the Canucks are not where they are today. Period. Yes, Mike Gillis plugged some important depth holes in the team, but cores build champions. Burke and Nonis built the house; Gillis put in the carpets.

So, Toronto fans, I ask you this: what would you rather hear by June 15: more crap about Burke being an idiot by referencing the Kessel trade for the 1093723072th time, or hearing about how Burke built a Cup champion? Think carefully. And do you REALLY want to cheer for a team from Boston of all places? Boston?! Think even more carefully.

Glass Houses. Stones. Mike Gillis.

2011-04-25T17:09:00.000-07:00

The press conference then took on a more reasonable tone after Alain Vigneault burped Gillis.

Welp, here we go! Mike Gillis thinks there's a vast NHL conspiracy out to get the Canucks:

Gillis complained of the Canucks not being on a “level playing field” against the Chicago Blackhawks in their best-of-seven Western Conference quarter-final series, which is tied 3-3 with Game 7 set for Tuesday at Rogers Arena (7 p.m., CBC, Team 1040).
Reading off a piece of paper, Gillis listed that while things were pretty even through the first two games, things have changed drastically in the four games since. According to his stats, Chicago has received 69 per cent more power plays in the last four games and 100 per cent more calls when the score has been within one or two goals, not to mention the Blackhawks have been awarded a penalty shot.

I'd like to say this isn't reflective of a decent chunk of the Canucks fanbase, but I'd also like to not be lying through my asshole. So, I won't.

I swear to god, it's moments like this where I wish I recorded all the stuff I've heard from Canucks fans in my travels in BC (not counting the fine people at Nucks Misconduct, of course!). Hell, I sometimes wonder if I should make a Twitter account called "ShitCanucksFansSay."

What mainly grinds my gears is that a common refrain I've gotten in five years in BC as a Leafs fan is that we're all a bunch of whiners who blame the refs when things don't go our way (and, well, they really haven't much lately). If I had a nickel for every time I heard a Canucks fan chirp our fanbase as 'whiny,' I'm sure I could at least replenish the unfortunately empty beer supply in my fridge.

And, every time I've argued back, I've said the same thing consistently: Canucks fans do it, too. More than us. But, I stand corrected; their mothafuckin General Manager does it, too!

Pot, meet kettle.

And no, guys. Sorry. There is no vast NHL conspiracy to keep the Canucks from losing the Stanley Cup. Say what you will about the reffing, but the zebras didn't put sixteen Chicago pucks in the back of the Canucks' net in the last three games.

The Blackhawks gift-wrapped the game-winner to the Canucks on several occasions in the 3rd and in OT, and they didn't convert. The Hawks, on the other hand, capitalized on Vancouver's mistakes multiple times. Why isn't Gillis holding press conferences to tell his team to bury their chances?

The Sedins have 4 pts. in the last 3 games, while Dave Bolland (their key agitator, and, like me, a good ol' Etobicoke boy) has 6 pts. in that time. Ryan Kesler, he of 40 goals in the regular season, has zero so far, and is doing his usual offensive disappearing act against Chicago. Roberto Luongo is 3.45 GAA, .888 SV%. Why isn't Gillis holding press conferences telling them to get their asses in gear?

Right. Because it's easier to play the victim and act like everyone's all up in your bidness tampering with you. Gotcha.

More focus on winning, less focus on whining, guys. Sheesh.

Let Your Blue And White Heart Show

2011-04-15T10:04:00.000-07:00

For those who missed the PPP fanshot, I've tried my hand at video creation. This was the result.

Thanks especially to the creator of the 'Progress' video which gave me a good number of the clips I used! Song is 'Red Heart' by Hey Rosetta.

Damien Cox Takes More Sides Than A Dodecahedron

2011-04-10T14:58:00.000-07:00

You've gotta hand it to Damien Cox; you really do. The amount of distorted logic the guy uses to write a column is simply unbelievable. And so, in the face of contradicting...um, virtually everything he's ever said about the Leafs before, we get this jumbled claptrap.

So, why don't we start at the beginning, shall we?

If anyone believed the team’s play of January, February and March meant the Leafs would automatically begin next season as a team that matters, losses to the Capitals, Devils and Canadiens to complete an 85-point campaign should disabuse them of that notion.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second here? So, in effect, Damien Cox is putting more weight into the last three losses of the season than...um....every game since January 1? The Leafs had a 24-15-6 record in 2011, and an 18-8-6 record since the All Star Break; but, none of that matters according to Cox. Nope, all that matters is that, in their last three games, the Leafs lost in the 4th round of a shootout to the top team in the East, and proceeded to lose two games after their playoff fate had already been sealed.

I've already pointed something important about the 2011 Leafs here: they won games when they had to. Their demise this year was that when they kept winning, so did the teams in front of them. And when teams in front keep winning, it's impossible to catch them, no matter what you do. This isn't rocket science; it's 2nd grade arithmetic.

To somehow discredit the Leafs that won those big games and went on a 44 win, 98 point pace from Jan. 1 onward based on a 0-2-1 ending when the team was already out of the running is absurd. You might as well argue the 4-0 start was more indicative of the Leafs 2010 half than the 9-19-4 record after while you're at it. Both are on equal levels of sample size fail.

So, when Cox wonders why there's this "weird sense of satisfaction to this team," it's exactly for that reason. On New Year's Eve, 2010, the Leafs were on a 68 point pace, and looked just dismal. They turned it around in 2011, and won a string of huge games along the way. But, no, we should totally forget all that and be Debbie Downers about the fact they lost two meaningless games to end the season.

But wait; there's more!

Beyond that, the Leafs desperately require a few savvy veterans to bridge the gap between the future and today, players to supply for this very young club the stability and smarts the likes of Brent Sopel, Jaroslav Spacek, Travis Moen, Hal Gill and Brian Gionta supply for a Montreal team that is heading to the playoffs again while the Leafs watch on television.
Remember, when Jeff Finger was dumped in the minors last fall, Burke told the hockey world the idea was to use the cap space ($3.5 million) to add talent. But it never happened. In fact, more big salaries were deleted later in the season, including Francois Beauchemin, Kris Versteeg and Tomas Kaberle.
The playoffs, meanwhile, were missed by eight points. It’s hard to believe a few bucks spent here or there might not have helped to make that gap less, or even helped the club catch Buffalo or the Rangers.
It’s worth noting the Sabres didn’t mind picking up Brad Boyes and his $4 million contract.

Does Damien Cox have a terrible memory? Does he not forget that, despite how 2011 went, this is still a young, rebuilding team? The endgame for the Leafs is not, and should not be, to sneak into 8th spot this year and get walloped by the Capitals. It's to build a long-term contender that can one day win a Stanley Cup.

So, in unloading Kaberle, Beauchemin, and Versteeg (the last of which I didn't actually agree with...and still don't), the Leafs got:

Joffrey Lupul, a 27-year old who got 18 points in 28 games as a Leaf this season.
Bruins prospect Joe Colborne.
Ducks prospect Jake Gardiner.
TWO 1st round picks.
A 3rd round pick.
A conditional 2nd round pick in 2011.
A conditional 3rd round pick in 2013.

Not a bad haul for a rebuilding team, eh?

There's plenty of time (say, July 1, 2011, and beyond?) to acquire solid vets that would ensure a positive contribution. But, for long-term success, it's key to accumulate prospects and draft picks to ensure organizational depth.

And, yes, let's compare to the Habs, who are likely headed for one playoff round. What exactly do guys like Sopel, Gill, Spacek, and Moen contribute to the team? On a team where the leading scorer would be the Leafs' 4th best scorer, not a whole lot. Carey Price, to his credit, has had an unbelievable season, thereby making the Habs GM look like less of an idiot for giving up Halak. But, to say those vets have made even the slightest difference between playoffs and not playoffs is hilariously misguided.

Sure, mortgaging our future for that *might* have been enough to get 8th in the East, but is it worth it? Is stockpiling role-player vets to build a perpetual first-round also-ran really the model we want? That's the model the Leafs went on from 2005-2007, and while it got them close to the playoffs, they wouldn't have done a whole hell of a lot had they made it.

So, let's say Burke did start trading picks and/or prospects to secure some vets for a playoff run. You really believe Cox would be okay with this? I'm pretty sure the general consensus coming from his columns would be along the lines of "LAFFS 1967 JFJ HERP DE DERP".

If you're a young rebuilding team, you abide by a certain blueprint. Sacrificing any youth for old guys who can get you 5 or 6 more games of hockey in one season is not the blueprint we should be following. One step forward, two steps back.

Finally, most of this article assumes this, but Cox sums it up at the end:

This is still a losing team — 37 wins, 45 losses — that’s likely to be a loser again next season without major changes.

Assuming the Leafs won't make any changes, which is beyond ridiculous. Cox must be on something to assume that Leafs fans being happy with their team's turnaround in 2011 means the status quo is acceptable. We all want a playoff team in 2012 and a team that can someday win the Cup. To do that, improvements will have to be made.

Again, I'm wondering if Cox forgot this is a rebuilding team. This team has seen no major sign of progress since the lockout until now. There's finally been a good step forward in the right direction, and it goes without saying that any sane, rational person would want to keep moving forward. How do you do that? Improving the team!

So, since Damien Cox can't understand this, I'll make it very simple for him: being happy with progress does not mean being content with the status quo. There's only one status quo Leafs fans would be happy with, and that's winning a Stanley Cup.

A Leaf Fan's Guide to Postseason Cheering

2011-04-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

The Canucks fan base, hours after winning the President's Trophy

Another regular season has passed, and despite the valiant effort, the Leafs will, yet again, not be making the playoffs. While, for many Leaf fans, there is much hope and optimism for next season, in the short term, this gives us nobody to root for this spring.

So if you're concerned about who you, Joe Leaf Fan, ought to cheer for, worry no more! I'm here to help, with reasons for and against rooting for the more potentially competitive teams this spring, as well as a handy dandy guide of predictions to help you hedge your bets. Good luck, and happy bandwagoning!

WESTERN CONFERENCE:

VANCOUVER CANUCKS:
Why You Should Cheer For Them: Nothing says being a true Canadian hockey fan like cheering for a bunch of Canada-based Swedes to win the Cup.

Why You Shouldn't Cheer For Them: Should they fail to win the Cup, an indignant Vancouver media will likely accuse you of 'tampering'.

Playoff Prediction: In the event they do win the Cup, they'll be too busy telling you the Leafs suck to actually notice.

DETROIT RED WINGS:
Why You Should Cheer For Them: As a Leaf fan, you're probably used to disappointment, sadness and mismanagement. Might as well spend two months cheering for the opposite of that....you know, just so you know how it feels.

Why You Shouldn't Cheer For Them: You know those teams in the Disney movies the underdog always plays that are the perennial powerhouses, and everyone kinda hates them? Yeah, that's the Red Wings. If you cheer for them, you might as well just cheer for Iceland in Mighty Ducks 2.

Playoff Prediction: If they don't win this year, will cryogenically freeze Mike Modano in the offseason to ensure he has one last chance to win a Cup.

SAN JOSE SHARKS
Why You Should Cheer For Them: You want them to do well because you picked a lot of them in your playoff hockey pool.

Why You Shouldn't Cheer For Them: You want them to fail as retribution for the last 4 or so years you picked a lot of them in your playoff hockey pool.

Playoff Prediction: Will see progress this postseason, in that Dan Boyle will actually attempt to score on the other team's net.

PHOENIX COYOTES

Why You Should Cheer For Them: All the cool Canadians are gonna be cheering for them next year when they're the Winnipeg Jets. Might as well be a trendsetter and start now.

Why You Shouldn't Cheer For Them: If they win, there's a 95% chance Paul Bissonnette will tweet that he's twooping in the Stanley Cup. Do you *really* want that?

Playoff Prediction: You'll likely forget that Lee Stempniak still plays for the Coyotes, even when he's on the ice.

LOS ANGELES KINGS

Why You Should Cheer For Them: Supporting the Kings shows gratitude for them being such good sports and not calling the police about that incident involving Burke, Brayden Schenn, chloroform, a duffel bag, and a private plane to Toronto.

Why You Shouldn't Cheer For Them: I see you're new around here! Go read '1992-93 Stanley Cup Playoffs' on Wikipedia, then we'll chat.

Playoff Prediction: Will be the best Southern California team not named after an animal that old people feed breadcrumbs to.

NASHVILLE PREDATORS

Why You Should Cheer For Them: It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it.

Why You Shouldn't Cheer For Them: By a general rule of thumb, if you can't name more than three players on a team, supporting them just looks kinda douchey.

Playoff Prediction: If they win it all, it's almost certain Mike Fisher will be preserved in immortality on the Cup as "Mr. Carrie Underwood."

EASTERN CONFERENCE:

WASHINGTON CAPITALS

Why You Should Cheer For Them: The fact none of their actual fans knew the team existed before 2008 will make you feel less guilty for jumping on the bandwagon now.

Why You Shouldn't Cheer For Them: Bruce Boudreau's foul mouth would make the pious James Reimer sad. You don't want that, do you?

Playoff Prediction: Based on past precedent, either: (a) Embarrassingly lose in first round, or; (b) Have NHL conspire to get them through first round so they can play Pittsburgh.....then, embarrassingly lose in second round.

PHILADELPHIA FLYERS

Why You Should Cheer For Them: Despite what we've been seeing for the last five years, apparently some teams *can* succeed with terrible goaltending. Who knew?

Why You Shouldn't Cheer For Them: Aligning yourself with the fans who have been voted 'Most Likely to Boo a 5 Year Old Leukemia Patient Holding a Puppy' three years in a row never looks good.

Playoff Prediction: If they lose, that icky brown stuff with curse words etched in it on the back of Kris Versteeg's Audi isn't dirt.

BOSTON BRUINS

Why You Should Cheer For Them: Rumour has it if you don't, there's a good chance you'll wind up on Colin Campbell's 'Enemies List.'

Why You Shouldn't Cheer For Them: Cheering requires passion, which is difficult when your team is about as interesting as a watching a glacier move.

Playoff Prediction: Zdeno Chara defeats the stanchion in 6 games.

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS

Why You Should Cheer For Them: Everyone else is doing it! C'mon, man; peer pressure is cool!

Why You Shouldn't Cheer For Them: Due to stricter NHL regulations inspired by Mario Lemieux's incessant complaining, you may be held criminally liable for anything Matt Cooke does on the ice, should they get past the first round.

Playoff Prediction: The longer Sidney Crosby is out, the probability NBC pre-empts their games for the World Series of Dog Poker increases from 95% to 99%.

TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING

Why You Should Cheer For Them: They'll be adopting blue and white uniforms next season. That's *kinda* like cheering for the Leafs, right? Right?

Why You Shouldn't Cheer For Them: Does Steve Yzerman *really* need another Cup? I hear you just kinda get bored of it after the third or fourth one.

Playoff Prediction: Will capture the undivided attention of Tampa natives on the two days a week the Rays aren't playing.

TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS

Why You Should Cheer For Them: It's been a while since you cheered them on in the playoffs. Might as well get the practice in now so you're not rusty for next postseason.

Why You Shouldn't Cheer For Them: There's a good chance that a lot of hipsters will do this just to be ironic.

Playoff Prediction: Phil Kessel will shoot an 81 in late April despite being held up on every hole by a rather inconsiderate foursome of Habs that won't let him play through.

1 + 1 = Yeah....We're Kinda Screwed (For Now)

2011-04-04T14:28:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday, the Leafs needed two simple things to happen:

1) For the 2nd place Flyers to beat the bubble Rangers, a team that until yesterday, Philadelphia had been 4-1-0 against this season, and has experience beating in important games.

2) For the Sabres and Hurricanes, who, much to the Leafs misfortune, had to play each other right now, to do something, anything, but end up in a three-point game. Who was the more preferable winner depended on what happened to the Rangers, but either way, the winner barely affected the outcome. The most important priority was that this game not get past regulation.

So, guess exactly what frickin happened yesterday?

This playoff chase (and ensuing failure) has been the best and worst to watch as a Leaf fan. Never since the lockout have I seen the Leafs simply, time and again, defy the odds of probability. Okay, so yes, it's not exactly the first time since the lockout the Leafs have been in the hunt for a playoff spot, but you're pretty much delusional if you can draw any parallel to those teams and this one.

Yes, in 2005-06, the Leafs made a huge run in the last 14 or so games of the season. But, unlike this year's team, which began surging in the New Year, this team's problem was the opposite; they were in a playoff position until they essentially just decided to take a two-month vacation through to mid-March to essentially knock themselves way out of contention. By the time J.S. Aubin suddenly decided he was going to be a crazy, Michael Leighton-esque flash-in-the-pan phenom around late March, and the Leafs went on an ensuing tear, it was too little, too late. They had two games against Montreal they needed to win to ensure a chance in March 2006, and blew chunks in both of them. They were pretty much shit outta luck DOA at that point, regardless of what they did after.

And, sure, in 2006-07, the Leafs came down to the last day. Hey, they won the big game against Montreal! And, sure, the Isles went on a freak run, and eliminated our boys in blue and white in a shootout on the last day of the season! We were THAT CLOSE!!!!!!11

Well, that's all well and good, if you discount the fact that one big game against the Habs was the only big frickin game they won all year. Anyone remember how game #81 went? Oh, right; the Leafs had a chance to ice the surging Islanders for once and for all....and they fucked it up royally. And I'm not even going to bother to mention blowing a 4-1 third period lead to the Sabres to lose 5-4 in regulation. That still is one of my worst memories as a Leaf fan to date. And I watched the Canes win the 2002 Eastern Conference Finals in person, so that says a lot.

Worst of all, that playoff faux pas that let the Islanders into 8th actually fooled JFJ to think Jason Blake was worth pissing away $4M a season on. If we hadn't flipped him and ToskaLOL for a half-working goalie that is well past his 'best before' date, I'd still be a little pissed about that, actually.

And better yet, you know how the Leafs 'won the big game'? Just barely. It seemed like Andrew frickin Raycroft was determined to singlehandedly lose that game for the Leafs, and the team in front of him was equally willing to aide and abet him. Suddenly, a change in goalie and late 2nd period goal later, the team finally shows some fucking hustle. So, while, yes, that was by far the happiest game I've ever watched as a Leaf fan post-lockout, it's not exactly something to be overly proud of (except for knocking the Habs out of the playoffs in the process. That was pretty awesome).

Point is, why is this team different? Because they actually win those big games. Look at March; three make-or-break games against Buffalo and Carolina; three victories. February? Bad 6-2 loss to Buffalo, but another win over Carolina, and another win over Buffalo. The only poor outing against a bubble team this season has been against the Rangers, but they haven't faced the Leafs since a 7-0 embarrassment on Jan. 19, and prior to that, October. So they've lacked the 'big game' value that these Sabres and Hurricanes games have.

Even better, remember how people were saying the Leafs could only lose once in regulation in their final nine games? Since people started saying that, they've lost exactly once! Sure, it included wins against lowly teams like Colorado, Ottawa, and Minnesota, but also some clutch victories against Buffalo and Boston. Even the one loss against a strong Detroit team was a respectable effort; it's not, like, say, letting a team two points behind you in the standings walk all over you.

But, that's the good news. Now for the bad news.

See, the 2006-07 Islanders had it easy. They had epic chokejobs like the Leafs and Habs in front of them, dropping points like DJ Pauly drops the beat- pathetically and sloppily. This pretty much enabled them to amass a hot streak, and throw down the gauntlet to surpass both teams for 8th place. Granted, they went on a tear that eluded most laws of probability, but you're silly if you don't honestly think Montreal and Toronto did a terrific job of leaving the barn door wide open for them to do that.

Funny thing is, somewhere around mid-March, the Leafs, having been in the hunt since late February, said "FUCK MATH" and made their own attempt to do the same thing. Problem is, unlike the Islanders four years ago, the Leafs haven't had the fortune of every team in front of them just deciding to actually play hockey whenever they felt like it.

Since an embarrassing loss to a Tampa Bay team that can score and finally learned how to play goalie, the Leafs have been 7-2-0. One would think that would be enough of a hot streak to make some headway in the standings. Key word: you would think.

But, since that date (Mar. 14), Buffalo, then 8 points ahead, have gone 6-3-0 and seem practically incapable of losing to teams that aren't the Leafs. Even after Leaf fan prayers got answered and a plague of injury was brought about on Ryan Miller by the hockey gods, the Sabres have won 2 of 3! The Rangers, who looked like a joke for February and early March, started rattling off wins in mid-March, giving them a 10 point lead over Toronto. They've gone 6-2-1 since Mar. 14. Carolina? 6-2-1, too!

Yes, Toronto is the hottest of those four teams in that time span, but the problem is that it isn't by a whole hell of a lot. All three teams in front of the Leafs keep winning and winning; more importantly, they keep winning the important games- i.e. the ones that would give the Leafs any hope of playing themselves into 8th, a la the 2007 Islanders.

And it also seems like any time the Leafs do come within significant striking distance, it gets pissed away when one of those three teams- usually the Sabres or Rangers- manages to pull a win out of their ass, regardless of who they play. Playing the Senators or the Capitals? Doesn't make a difference. Down 2 goals after two periods, or up 2? Makes no difference. These teams just won't stop frickin winning. And good on them, since that'll give fans in Buffalo and NYC a much more enjoyable April than I had cheering on that half-baked 2006-07 team.

Where does that leave us, then? Well, slice it how you want; I'll believe until the bitter end, but deep down, I know it: we're fucked. Pretty much fucked. For any remote chance at the playoffs, the Leafs need to win all of their last 3 games. Then, they need to hope for either Buffalo or the Rangers to lose all 3 of their games. And if that isn't enough, they also need to pray that, should that happen, Carolina doesn't win more than one of its games!

Now, you've seen the numbers. Do I believe the Leafs have what it takes to keep winning right now? Absolutely; they've got the heart. The problem isn't them, for once; it's that I don't believe for a split second any of those three teams are going to pick right now for a conveniently-timed losing streak. It's just not gonna happen.

But, before you call me Mr. Doom and Gloom, let me remind you this team is young, fast, and none of these guys have even begun to peak. It's quite the juxtaposition from a bunch of slow, aging, thirty-something guys. Consider this: with those teams, our best young player was Kyle Wellwood (and no, the Leafs didn't lack prospects because he ate all of the other ones. They just sucked). And this is to say nothing of comparing James Reimer, he of .920 SV%, to an older, slightly more drunk Eddie Belfour in 2005-06, and 72 games of Andrew Raycroft in 2006-07.

This, ladies and gentleman, is what we call a rebuilding team. And now, they're on the upswing. I said at the beginning of the season that this team reminded me of the 2007-08 Blackhawks, not because I think the Leafs are two years away from a Cup, but more because they're a young team on the right track who have competed their way just barely outside of the playoffs. Add a couple more puzzle pieces (specifically: a top six centreman to play with Kessel; a PMD to replace Kaberle- if not just bringing back Kaberle himself; a veteran goalie to back up Reimer that is actually fucking capable of posting a .900 SV%), and this is a playoff team.

Not convinced? Since January 1, the Leafs have posted a record of 24-13-6. Over a full season, playing like that is good for 45 wins and 95 points, which would put probably put the Leafs 6th in the East. And that is while losing players such as Kaberle, Beauchemin, and Versteeg, to boot. And while having Komisarek and Lebda on a defensive liability....erm, I mean pairing. Barring injuries to half of our top six forwards, or Reimer pulling the Full Steve Mason, this 2011 edition of the Leafs is going to be like the Leafs you'll see in 2011-12. Even in a worst case scenario, 2012-13.

So, I think we'll see you next spring. We'll be back, with a vengeance. And, fans of other teams: believe us when we say we remember what you said about us, and we're gonna be giant assholes about it when we get there.

Colby Armstrong: The NHL's Answer to 'The Blitz'?

2010-12-28T11:12:00.000-08:00

"Pens won the Cup?! AWWWW, MANNNNNN!"

So, I love the show How I Met Your Mother; what isn't to love, after all? I find a lot of that show imitates reality, and a recent episode entitled "Blitzgiving" is no exception. If you're not a big HIMYM fan, you can see the basic idea here.

So, how does a character played by the guy who played Hurley on Lost imitate reality? I'll tell you how, fellow Leafs fan: Colby Armstrong.

Yes, that's right. Colby Armstrong is 'The Blitz'. At least hockey's version of it, anyways.

You see, the curse of The Blitz is that he leaves a party early, and, when he does, something awesome happens. And, so, The Blitz regrets leaving early, shown by his trademark quote of "Awwwww, mannnnnnn!"

It'd be funny, if it didn't describe Colby Armstrong's career to a "T".

Armstrong was drafted in the 1st round by the Pittsburgh Penguins in 2001. Although he would not play a single game for the NHL squad until 2005, I don't need to tell you much about the post-2001 Penguins. They sucked. A lot. And when Armstrong joined the club for the 2005-06 season, not a whole lot changed; that year, they finished with 58 points, good for last in the Eastern Conference, and second last in the entire NHL.

In Armstrong's second year, the Pens showed a great amount of improvement, finishing 5th in the Eastern Conference; playoff success, however, was not to be for the young club. Pittsburgh was quickly brushed aside by the Ottawa Senators, losing their first round series 4 games to 1.

This would be Colby Armstrong's first and last playoff series in a Penguins uniform, but not Pittsburgh's. Far from it.

At the 2008 trade deadline, Armstrong was traded alongside Erik Christensen and prospect Angelo Esposito (Ed note: Remember what a big deal he was before the draft? How has he not materialized into anything yet?) to the Atlanta Thrashers for Marian Hossa and Pascal Dupuis. While Armstrong ended his season with a Thrashers team that was far from playoff contention, this would be the year where the Penguins would make it all the way to the Stanley Cup Final. While they lost the Final in six games to Detroit, they would make it again the following season and beat the Red Wings in seven games to win the Stanley Cup. Nonetheless, the point at hand is this: Colby Armstrong left the Pittsburgh Penguins early. And then something awesome happened. Awwwww, man!

Now, one could argue that this was a lucky situation; that Pittsburgh was bound for greatness anyhow. And you'd be right. But, while this is true, so is the fact that Colby Armstrong's timing really still sucks.

You see, as a Leafs fan, I'm glad that he wanted to sign with my team so badly over the summer, even though they paid a lofty price to get him. That said, let us look at the Atlanta team he left behind. Two seasons as a bottom-feeding team nowhere near the playoffs, the Thrashers are now 2nd in their division, 3 points out of the divison lead, and sitting 7th in the Eastern Conference. They're pretty comfortably in a playoff spot, sitting 8 points ahead of that dreaded 9th place (Ed note: That would be the Ottawa Senators. Just felt like mentioning that). They have leadership, defence, goaltending, a solid team game- all concepts foreign to the Thrashers in their eleven seasons of existence. While playoffs aren't guaranteed just yet, their prospects of making the postseason- and actually winning a playoff game this time- are pretty strong.

And where is Colby Armstrong? On the 13th place Toronto Maple Leafs. On a young, rebuilding team that as much chance of making the playoffs as Sean Avery does of winning back Elisha Cuthbert by showing up outside her window playing a boombox over his head. While the team that he just left in the offseason looks to make its second postseason appearance, something it didn't do while he played for them.

Say it with me: awwwwwww, man!

So, there you have it. Colby Armstrong is 'The Blitz'. Even worse, the Toronto Maple Leafs are infected with the curse of 'The Blitz'. This means, if we're to make the playoffs and do anything substantial, the Leafs need to expunge this curse in one form or another. The Blitz must leave before something awesome can happen, after all.

Now, I know what you're thinking: Armstrong is paid a hefty salary, and he brings Intangibles™ to the Leafs squad. And you're correct; plus, far be it from me to crap on a player who just scored two goals en route to a 4-1 win, even if it is over the lowly Devils. Even then, the curse still inflicts this team. And if getting rid of Armstrong is not the answer, what about passing on the curse?

Remember, the title of 'The Blitz' is not a stagnant role; it can and has been passed on. So, as a solution, what about this: Armstrong passes on the curse to another player currently on the Leafs roster. That player, in turn, is traded from the Leafs to another team (Eds note: please be Brett Lebda. Please please please please please.), at which point, awesome things will begin to happen to the Leafs. Guys, it's really that simple.

So, while we may be a young, rebuilding team, the worst thing that has really happened to us is, in signing Colby Armstrong, we have inherited the Curse of 'The Blitz'. And it's up to Armstrong and the Leafs to deal with it accordingly and do everything they can to rid the organization of the curse.

After all, how many season must we keep saying "Awwwww, man!" before something good happens?

The Calgary Sun: Not Even Worth A Puppy Or Parakeet

2010-12-16T16:12:00.000-08:00

Ohhhh, Calgary Sun, where do I even begin with you?

'43 Reasons Why the Leafs Stink?' Ohhh, I get it! It's because....yeah! It's been 43 years since the Leafs won the Cup! I see what you did there! Did you guys think that one up by yourselves? Were you up all night scratching your heads thinking about that one?

Yes, 43 years is a long number. We get it. But, hey, while we're talking about long numbers...how about 21? That's a big number, isn't it? Sure, not as big as 43, but big nonetheless. That's also an awful lot of years to go without winning a Stanley Cup. It must be even compounded by the fact that, save for one run to the Stanley Cup final six years ago, the Flames haven't even seen the outside of the first round. Twenty-one years, three playoff series wins. Hey, I think the Leafs had more than that in 1993-94 alone, didn't we?

But, enough with the semantics. Let's read some of these reasons, shall we?

1. Because of Leafs Nation? -- C'mon, at least be original with your catchy little catch-all catch-phrase to describe the foaming-at-the-mouth, rabid, raving fanbase. Insufferable doesn't begin to describe Leafs fans.

This from a fanbase that calls itself the 'C' of Red. Yes. That's right; the 'C' of Red. It's not bad enough that your fanbase makes a horrible abortion of a Biblical reference, but...it has to throw in a terrible pun while doing so? Is this the kind of originality you were going for here? Because I mean originality is only really good when it's well....creative. And, y'know, not shit.

2. Because of Heist No. 1 -- Flames fans justifiably felt violated after Doug Gilmour, Ric Nattress, Kent Manderville, Jamie Macoun and Rick Wamsley were sent packing by Doug Risebrough for Gary Leeman, Craig Berube, Alexander Godynyuk, Jeff Reese, and Michel Petit. Thanks Doug.

3. Because of Heist No. 2 -- Deja boo for Flames fans as Brian Burke bamboozles Darryl Sutter into giving up one of his top three assets for a handful of extras. Dion Phaneuf, Fredrik Sjostrom, Keith Aulie for Matt Stajan, Niklas Hagman, Ian White and Jamal Meyers. Geez, nice one, Darryl.

4. Because the Flames have never fleeced them in a trade.

So....we stink because every time we make a deal with you, we come out on the better end of it? Wait a tick. If that makes us stink, then what exactly does that make you guys?

Really, you hate us because we whoop your ass at the GM table (though, arguably not hard when your GM is Glen Sather West) and you know it. And we've ripped you off royally twice in twenty years.

Hell, the Bruins have made like bandits off of the Leafs at least twice. I still don't carry that much of a grudge. Get over it, guys.

6. Because LEAFS is not even a proper word. It's LEAVES. They can't even get that right.

Well, I wouldn't expect anyone who writes for the Calgary Sun to know anything about history, so I'll fill you in: the Maple Leafs were a Canadian military battalion in the First World War. So, yes, it *is* spelled correctly. Didn't they invent Wikipedia so people could..y'know.....check their facts a little bit easier?

8. Because, snicker, snicker, they traded two No.-1 picks for Phil Kessell [sic]. Almost takes away the bitter taste from the Gilmour/Phaneuf robberies. We said almost.

First, spell check: Phil Kessel. And yeah, that trade might bite us in the ass. But it's not like we did something really stupid, like, I dunno, trade away an overrated player who contributed nothing to our team, and received two bad contracts in return, and then, to top it all off, re-signed that same player at free agency the next season. Not that such a thing would ever happen, because no GM is tha......

....wait, hold on a second. What's that? You're saying Calgary did exactly that?! Oooooooooh. Awwwwwk-waaaaaaaard.

11. Because even their best players end up getting the short end of the stick and leaving the team with a black cloud hanging over them -- Dave Keon, Lanny McDonald, Daryl Sittler, Mats Sundin, etc.

Harold Ballard is an idiot, Harold Ballard is an idiot, Harold Ballard is an idiot, Mats Sundin said one thing and did another. And our fanbase still loves every single one of these guys. We've forgiven Mats and moved on; you might recall that standing ovation he got during his return to the ACC in a Canucks uniform. It was back around the time Flames fans actually believed they were icing a competitive hockey team.

12. Because the ongoing Tomas-Kaberle-is-going-to-be-traded soap opera. Nobody outside of Bakczech, Czech Republic, cares about Tomas Kaberle ... and even they are sick of hearing about it.

Number of Tomas Kaberle trade rumours we've heard since August 15, 2010: 0

Number of Jarome Iginla trade rumours we've heard since August 15, 2010: more than 0

I rest my case.

22. Because Toronto's golf season is usually longer and Calgarians are jealous the Leafs always get to take full advantage of it.

Really? You're in the Western Conference basement, missed the playoffs last season, and you're still going to invoke a 'haven't made the playoffs since 2004' reference? And uh, hey guys, exactly how many times did you make it out of the first round in those glorious playoff runs since the lockout of which we've been deprived? Oh......right......

Man, you must have some serious envy issues to be so fussed over a two week difference in golf season.

27. Because Doug Gilmour won a Stanley Cup in Calgary. He didn't just drop out of the sky into Toronto. He was known to be a great player in big games long before going to his blue heaven.

Oh, we know. We know. Which you would think is, I dunno, the reason the Leafs acquired him? Luckily, he was apparently such a game breaker, that Calgary's GM was willing to part with him for peanuts!

...wait, we've covered that part already, haven't we? Well, shit.

28. Because of Harold Ballard. All these years later, he's still haunting the team. Wait a minute, that's actually a good thing!

You hate us....because of Harold Ballard? You hate the Leafs and their fans because of.....the indisputably most hated man by the Leafs and their fans? You hate us because of a man who's name alone invokes Godwin's Law? Yeah, makes perfect sense, I guess.

And yeah, he's really haunting us. Those two Conference Final runs under two years after he croaked were a reeeeal bad curse he placed on us. Or the two more that came after that. I'm shakin' in my boots, guys!

40. Because their disgruntled fans throw waffles on the ice. What's with that? Can't they find any bricks?

No, we totally can. Just, unlike Flames fans, Leaf fans actually understand the value of a balanced breakfast. And not committing assault and battery.

42. Because given the very unlikely chance they ever win the Stanley Cup, we will never hear the end of it.

Wasn't every year you were actually capable of making the playoffs supposed to be 2004 all over again? At least, that's what I kept hearing. You guys came within a win and a disallowed goal of a Stanley Cup and didn't shut up about it for five years!

So yeah, I think if we win, we've earned the right to be pompous assholes about it for at least double that time. I mean, unless, our Cup-winning roster totally pulls a Calgary Flames and just goes down the tubes.

...see what I did there?

The 5 Best HNIC Montages Since The Lockout

2010-12-13T10:00:00.000-08:00

Whether the Leafs win or lose, if there's one thing I enjoy on a Saturday night Hockey Night in Canada telecast, it's the pre-game montages. To me, the reason the thing, among all else, U.S. telecasts lack in comparison to their Canadian counterparts are the sheer passion for the game. And there is nothing like HNIC montages to reflect that passion; when coupled with the right clips and the perfect song choice, the best montages can blow you away.

And I've picked five, since the lockout, that do just that.

First, off, however, I've selected two that should be worthy of honourable mention: one doesn't make the cut because it's pre-lockout, but is my favourite Leafs playoff clip. Also, not included was a variation of HNIC's post-Cup montage in 2008; the original song was Diana Ross, but someone remade it with the Linkin Park song from Transformers 2; It fits better. But, since it wasn't an original HNIC montage, I felt putting it in the list wouldn't count.

Without, further adue, the list itself:

5) Penguins vs. Capitals, 2009 Eastern Semi-Finals, Game 7

Song: Silversun Pickups, "Lazy Eye".

Why It's awesome: I think the lyrics say it best when they say: "I've been waiting for this moment all my life." Since 2005, the Crosby-Ovechkin showdown has been the biggest side story in the NHL. Four seasons and two rebuilt franchises later, the playoff matchup everyone had one day hoped would happen finally did happen. And, in the end, it all came down to this 7th game. The two most marketable players in the NHL, and it came down to a single elimination game. Find the perfect song choice, as they did here, and you just can't beat that.

4) 2010 Stanley Cup Playoffs Tribute

Song: Smashing Pumpkins, "Tonight, Tonight".

Why It's Awesome: From 1995 to 2001, CBC used the same song for all its end-of-year montages. Since then, they've used a number of different songs. Of all the ones I've seen so far, this song choice somehow does the best at matching the mellow, contemplative nature of a review of the playoffs, with a more up-tempo feeling. Plus, well, I was just generally a fan of the Blackhawks' Cup run, and thought the Chicago-Philadelphia series was the best Finals since the lockout. But, that's just my bias; however, the only Final that comes close in my mind is covered in #3 on my list.

3) Oilers vs. Hurricanes, 2006 Stanley Cup Finals, Game 7

Song: Nickelback, "Savin' Me".

Why It's Awesome: Despite the use of Nickelback, which will turn many people off to this immediately, HNIC somehow just made this work. Every lyric was perfectly matched with a clip. Even better is the context; the last standing Canadian team, the West's 8th seed, clawing back from a 3-1 deficit in the Stanley Cup Finals to force a Game 7. With this backdrop, it makes the sounds of the crowd mixed in with the Oilers' goal horn during the chorus *that* much better. Also, if the sound of 20,000 Canadian hockey fans (Montreal/Ottawa excepted) chanting "We want the Cup!" doesn't give you chills down your spine, I don't know what to tell you; you're not a real hockey fan.

2) Penguins vs. Red Wings, 2009 Stanley Cup Finals, Game 1

Song: Coldplay, "The Scientist".

Why It's Awesome: For the second year in a row, Detroit and Pittsburgh would be facing off in the Stanley Cup Finals. The start of the series just called for this 'introspective, travel-back-in-time to last year' moment. And they not only picked the right song to do it, but imitated it's meaning and video in just about the best way possible. There's not much more I can say about this video; there isn't much that needs to be said about it.

1) Canadiens vs. Flyers, 2010 Eastern Conference Finals, Game 1

Song: Unknown (but nonetheless amazing).

Why It's Awesome: I think the fact that I dislike/hate both these teams and still selected this #1 tells you enough about it. The fact is there are two reasons that this is amazing: 1) It has the 'movie trailer' feel of intensity and anticipation to it; 2) It reflects a vast wealth of history and heritage in which few sports can compare to hockey. It seems if there's one thing sometimes lacking in hockey, it's looking fondly upon the past. And this historic look shows an intense rivalry between who were then the last two teams standing in the Eastern Conference.

Think of it this way: if you replaced either team with the Leafs, this video would blow your mind. Also, the bits of 'God Bless America' subtly churned into the song was pretty much perfect.

P.S. If you noticed the one common factor in all five of these videos is that Bob Cole's voice makes an appearance somewhere in it, bonus points for you.

(H/T to HockeyWebCaster for providing me with all these video links. In damn good quality, no less.)

Your Depressing Stat of the Day

2010-11-28T15:36:00.000-08:00

Jonas Gustavsson:

In 10 starts, has a 3-6-1 record.

With a .917 SV%, he is tied for 9th among all 1/1A goalies in the league.

With a 2.45 GAA, he is 9th among all 1/1A goalies.

For comparison: Luongo is 2.72, .911 with a 9-7-2 record. Miller is 2.55, .914, with a 7-7-2 record.

So, really:

1) Does this not tell you how much better this team would be if it could put pucks in the net?

2) If this doesn't prove Gustavsson: a) isn't carrying the team on his back; b) shouldn't be the starter of this team, I don't know what will.

I need a drink.

Just How Wobbly is the NHL Wheel of Justice™?

2010-11-15T13:48:00.000-08:00

I usually only blog about something other than the Leafs if it's relevant, and I'd have to say that this very much is. Allegations such as these can't help but bring the integrity of Colin Campbell into question.

In 2007, Campbell asserted in an e-mail that Savard, whom he coached with the New York Rangers during the 1997-98 season, was a 'whiner'. When you consider the shady call three years later that Matt Cooke's elbow to Savard's head was unworthy of a suspension, you cannot help but link the two. Even more damning is that the Savard e-mail and one other pertain to Campbell's objection of penalties called on his son, Gregory. While it is NHL policy that Campbell has no jurisdiction on disciplinary matters for games involving his son's team, he does seem a little more actively involved than meets the eye.

Let's address this second point first: what role do the e-mails about Campbell's son play? Colin Campbell offers us this defense:

For me, it's much ado about nothing. Stephen and I would have banter back and forth and Stephen knows I'm a (hockey) dad venting and both of us knowing it wouldn't go any further than that..

Okay, granted, Colin Campbell is a hockey dad. And, sure, hockey dads love to vent about calls on their kids that they see as questionable; hell, you see thousands of these guys at peewee hockey games across the country yelling at some acne-infested half-pint referee for this, that, and the other thing. But, one thing separates Joe Hockey Dad from Colin Campbell, and that is that the former has no jurisdiction over their son's league.

So, let's look at Campbell's specific defense on one of the games in question:

The game in question (when Gregory Campbell was penalized late in the Atlanta-Florida game) wasn't on TV and I was asking Stephen to find out for me if it was a soft call. That's all there ever was to it. The (refs) working that game are still in the league, aren't they?

Perhaps. Let's look at the content of the original e-mail now:

From: Colin Campbell
Sent: 11/#/2007 09:54 PM EST
To: Stephen Walkom
Subject: Penalty
Game not televised. Radio announcers said it was a bullshit penalty…you need to find out for me. How…I don’t know but this was awful. 1:30 left in 2-1 game for [team] and [player] scored with 2 second left to tie it up them won in OT. FUCK
From: Stephen Walkom
Sent: 11/#/2007 09:56 PM EST
To: Colin Campbell
Subject: Re: Penalty
ok ill find out….
Re: Penalty
11/#/2007 10:48 PM
Colin Campbell to Stephen Walkom
Did you find out anything? It was [another referee] that made the call. Keep Warren and gas this shithead. 90 seconds left and he calls a weak penalty…tripping. Makes me sick. If I was at the game I would have had to fine me.

This is a hard one to call. Maybe Colin Campbell is just wearing his 'hockey dad' hat, being a rabid fan, concerned as to whether his son is being treated fairly. The problem here is: when you're one of the top dogs at the NHL, you waive that privilege. To show this much concern over a soft call and want a ref to be fired may be a permissible hockey dad reaction, and nothing may have come of it, but Campbell should be held to a higher standard. Whether an irrational, knee-jerk response to his son's penalty or not, he should exercise more discretion in sending these kind of e-mails in realizing that, with the position he holds, he shouldn't be so liberal about his disdain for refs who make allegedly soft calls on his son. Whether he intends it or not, the wrong message- one of blatant favouritism- is being sent.

Now, as for the Savard matter, let's look at, verbatim, what Campbell says of Savard in 2007:

...that little fake artist [player] I had him in [city] biggest faker going...

...my view of him is this exactly…he puts his whining ahead of the game...

In light of these comments, it's hard to take Campbell's ruling to not suspend Cooke seriously. At the time, he made a dubious ruling that it was 'shoulder-to-head' contact, and not an intent to injure; he also said a hit by Mike Richards on David Booth could be used as precedent. Puck Daddy, however, makes a valid point as to why this shouldn't be:

Geographically, that's accurate, as both occurred near the blue line in the offensive zone. But that's where the comparison ends. Richards isn't skating by, sticking out his arm. Booth quickly dished the puck rather than having shot it like Savard. They're two completely different hits, and that's a good thing: The Richards check, as devastating as it was, was a hockey play by a Selke-worthy forward; The Cooke Hit was a cheap, late hit by a player who excels at them.

Also of note is that, while Campbell seems to want to use the 'hockey dad' defense, it simply won't fly in this case. This e-mail exchange about Savard had less to do with Campbell's son and more to do with Savard. He was invoking a previous player-coach relationship he had with the player and gave what appeared to be his impression of that player's character; more importantly, he seems to give this opinion with little mention of his son at all. Whether or not his son was penalized on a play by Savard, I just can't see why Campbell, even in the heat of irrationality, would say this if he didn't feel that way.

So, does this bring to light why Campbell made such a suspect non-call on Matt Cooke last season? I doubt anyone can say for sure; but, it certainly does cast that call into further suspicion. Whether or not this was at the heart of Campbell's rationale not to suspend Cooke, the existence of this suspicion already undermines the integrity of the decision. So, too, does e-mailing the officiating director about poor calls made against his son; whether Campbell had intended them to be serious, the optics are bad enough.

Sometimes, rightly or wrongly, all you need is the appearance of partiality and bias to undermine your legitimacy. Unfortunately for Colin Campbell, he's got just that right now.

Kadri, Aulie Up, Are The Leafs, Too?

2010-11-13T09:46:00.000-08:00

Nazem Kadri has been called up to the big club alongside defenseman Keith 'Wookie of the Year' Aulie for tonight's tilt against Vancouver at the ACC. Your line shuffles, as drawn out of a magical hat by Ron Wilson, and brought to you by Jonas Siegel:

MacNinja-Pineapple Express-PHIIIIIIIILLLL KEEEEESSSSEEEELLLLL

The Leafs Saviour™-BOZAK!!!!11-Kule Aid

Shoe Storm-Brentosaur-Night Moves

The Sheriff-JFM-Stache

Kabs-Schenn the Impregnator

Beauch-Komi

Wookie-Lebdalebdalebda

Gettin Giggy With It

As for what we can expect up front from Vancouver tonight:

Sedin-Sedin-Burrows

Raymond-Kesler-Samuelsson

Torres-Malhotra-Hansen

Glass-Bliznak-Schaefer

Edler-Ehrhoff
Bieksa-Hamhuis

Ballard-Rome

Luongo

For the love of God, I'm home from school this weekend. There are a plethora of Canucks fans who will never let me forget an astounding blowout loss. Just let me have this one, please? Pretty please? With sugar on top?

If I can't have the Wellwood fat jokes anymore, a win would be nice. Just sayin'.

Rallying the Troops

2010-11-02T12:30:00.001-07:00

I stand by my remarks a month ago.

A 5-4-1 October (which, consequently, is what I predicted) is nothing to be upset about. Sure, the last five games have been somewhat lean, but if the Leafs bring Saturday's effort against a team like Ottawa (compared to trying to get anything past Lundqvist), they can win. Nay, they should win. Washington and Buffalo later this week should be no easy task, so 2 points tonight would be rather helpful.

As Kevin Garnett said, "Anything is possible." Versteeg won't slump forever. Bozak won't slump forever. Kaberle will again learn to play D. Phaneuf will find the fire within him. And our goaltending and special teams will continue to get it together. Just get shots on net, and the goals should be soon to follow.

Maybe I'm an eternal optimist right now, but if I am, it's because this team has more potential and play a harder, better team game than Leafs team I've seen since the lockout. If they work hard, they have it in them to compete for a win every night, and I can only hope they'll spend more time on the winning end than not.

I still believe; do you?

FMC Liveblog: Panthers @ Leafs

2010-10-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

7:30 PM MT: Game, set, match. Oddball reffing, but it did go both ways (Remember that one Florida goal with goalie interference? The Grabo non-call?); just unfortunate for Florida that they got the worse end of that. Bottom line: Leafs win. Leafs now sport a 5-2-1 record. Didja ever see that one coming?

Til next month, live blogosphere.

7:28 PM MT: P.S. Can we stop talking about the non-goal goal? The Leafs have a legit lead now.

7:27 PM MT: In 5 seconds, I went from sheer panic to sheer euphoria. I love you, Phil Kessel. 3-1 Leafs.

7:24 PM MT: Brian Burke's phone protector is very blue. Random fact.

7:22 PM MT: Hey, Scott Clemmensen? I don't think you understand how it works here. When Clarke MacArthur shoots, Clarke MacArthur scores. Don't ruin this for us.

7:18 PM MT: Bad call? Yes. Do I care? No. Everyone gets ripped off in this New NHL. One word: scoreboard.

7:16 PM MT: TIM BRENT, I THINK I LOVE YOU......2-1 Leafs.

7:13 PM MT: Not one, but two, solid slappers by Phaneuf there. Getting some more chances there. Hopefully they can keep this up for the rest of the 3rd.

7:11 PM MT: Solid 2-on-1 play there. Gonna need more of those chances to get the "W".

7:06 PM MT: I remember watching Florida play the Canucks earlier this season, and thinking 'Man, this is a really boring game.' I assumed it was Vancouver's fault.

I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

7:03 PM MT: Nice save, Giguere! And, did I see right? Was there someone in the first two rows....visibly cheering?! Wow....

6:58 PM MT: And we're baaaack for the 3rd!

6:41 PM MT: Sigh......well, good period by the Leafs, lots of good energy, but Panthers get the only goal. Ah well; hopefully they can get 'em in the 3rd; back in 20!

6:37 PM MT: Weak penalty call on the Panthers? Yes. Retribution for the non-call on the Grabovski trip? Yes. Still happy to get a PP anyways? Yes.

6:36 PM MT: Seriously? Seriously?! How is THAT not a penalty?

6:32 PM MT: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...........1-1 tie.

6:32 PM MT: Don't break your sticks on the PK, guys; my heart can't handle that.

6:31 PM MT: Sadly, a necessary penalty by BOZAK.

6:28 PM MT: Every time I hear the words 'Brett Lebda', I start to get a little scared. Just sayin'.

6:22 PM MT: SHOE STORM! I love this PK!

6:21 PM MT: Beauty play by Orr on McCabe. But, wow, that slapper of his still scares me a little.

6:17 PM MT: Side note: did anyone know that Radek Dvorak was with the Panthers in 1995-96 when they made the Finals? Or that he's been on his second tour of duty with Florida since 2007-08? More importantly, does anyone actually care about anything concerning Radek Dvorak?

6:12 PM MT: Komisarek's quietly had a decent game tonight; liking that truculence.

6:10 PM MT: Grabo with a nice shot! Schenn with a nice hit! I'm happy.

6:08 PM MT: Lights on! Heeere we go!

6:00 PM MT: Back for the 2nd period; looks like its lights out at the ACC right now.

5:40 PM MT: End of the 1st. Decent start, 1-0 lead, momentum is starting to come towards the Leafs. Hopefully they can keep it up in the 2nd; back in 20!

5:38 PM MT: KULE BREAKAWAY! PP GOAL! BOZAK'S 1ST OF THE SEASON! GOD, ALLAH, BUDDHA, FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER, I FUCKING LOVE YOU! 1-0 Leafs.

5:37 PM MT: Leafs powerplay. I'd be excited, but....you know. It's a Leafs PP.

5:34 PM MT: Joe Bowen: "Brett Lebda is in position...."

Let us consider this 'progress'.

5:29 PM MT: Feeling pretty uneasy about the play in the Leafs end. I'm pretty sure every three seconds, my internal monologue is something to the effect of: "OHSHITOHSHITOHSHITHEYREGONNASCORE".

5:22 PM MT: Terrible, terrible pass by Phaneuf. I'm pretty sure he was responsible for that first giveaway, too. He needs to stop making those idiot moves, or it will eventually cost the Leafs.

5:18 PM MT: Leafs kill another penalty, and I make the sad realization I have far more confidence in our PK to contribute offense than our PP.

5:15 PM MT: Leafs penalty. Goody.

5:15 PM MT: Brutal giveaway in front of Giguere nearly gave me a heart attack; also, with the amount Grabovski turns over the puck, he could easily become the Bills No. 1 QB. Just sayin'.

5:12 PM MT: Decent start by the Leafs; looking strong, getting pressure on Florida. Haven't seen a hint of this in three games.

5:09 PM MT: Hockey! Yaaaaaaaaaay!

5:04 PM MT: Can we stop showing footage of McCabe goals? We get it; Bryan McCabe is great at scoring the big, game-winning goal on the Leafs. Sadly, he learned how to do this while he was still a Leaf.

5:01 PM MT: And at the end of the rainbow of Russian ads is the sweet, sweet pot of gold that is Joe Bowen's voice. Feed acquired!

4:59 PM MT: Wait....might hockey be coming on now? I guess I'll have to wait and find out......

4:57 PM MT: Feed #2, and it's the Double Ironman. Y'know, if you're advertising a hockey game, you should probably show said game. Just sayin'.

4:53 PM MT: Almost game time. Still waiting on a solid internet feed. ATDHE seems to be broadcasting the test pattern network at the moment. Lovely.

2:32 PM MT: As I promised in September, I would do one liveblog a month, and so I decide to choose this of all games to do for my October liveblog. Now, you may be asking yourself 'why in the hell did you choose the Panthers game of all of the ten Leafs games this month?' Well, really, when you get down to it, the answer is indeed quite simple:

1) The Habs and Sens games would've been nice, but I was home for Thanksgiving and too busy socializing with friends and family that I hadn't seen in at least a month. My bad?

2) I spent the 3rd period of the Pens game in a practically comatose state, was seconds away from pissing my pants, and thus would not have made any sort of valuable contribution from somewhere near the end of the 2nd period onward.

3) A liveblog of the Isles game would have likely been nothing more than a transcribed version of things I shouted at the feed on my computer screen, since that's pretty much how I spent 95% of the game.

4) I was busy during that pathetic bloodbath against the Flyers. Sue me.

5) I'm not sure what to expect against the Bruins; I just know it will likely drive me to drink copious amounts of scotch and cry into my Leafs flag. This is something I'd really rather not share with the blogosphere.

6) Picking one of three games against the Rangers? Come on; I'm way more creative than that!

7) It's Tuesday night, and I've got nothing better to do. Except, I guess, schoolwork. But, then again, wasn't that the reason I started this blog in the first place?

So, anyways, Panthers-Leafs is what you get for your October liveblog. Suck it up, princess. And feel free to stop by and offer your two cents either during or after the game.

Obscure Leafs From the Last Decade, Vol. 3: You Call That A Hot Streak?

2010-10-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

Now, for the last two installments, we've looked specifically at obscure Leaf players that people may not remember. This week, I've decided to mix it up just a little bit, for two reasons:

1) I haven't had the time to think of a good obscure Leaf write up; and,

2) The Leafs are 4-0, baby! Yeah!

With this in mind, I've decided to take a look at this novel concept called a 'winning streak'. Indeed, it's been quite some time since I, or any, Leafs fan could possibly know what a winning streak feels like. Moreover, even successful Leaf teams had a penchant for slow starts, making this year's hot start even more of a rarity.

But, while this 4-0-0 start may seem like an amazing start, is it the best hot streak we've seen in some time? Maybe in the post-lockout era, yes, but, one memorable streak still sticks out in my mind as the true definition of a 'hot streak' that I hope this team could be able to replicate. I'm going to take you back to a time where the Leafs managed to go sixteen games in a row getting at least one point.

**************

The year was 2003. The Leafs, fresh off a 5th place finish and first round exit, wished to improve on the previous season, but stumbled out of the gate somewhat, winning just one of their first five games, and posting a 1-2-2-0 record. While a small winning streak would help, the Leafs were an up-and-down, largely .500 team for the first month and a half of the season.

When they started a road trip through California and Western Canada in November, they were a somewhat decent 7-4-3-1. The road trip, however, would not be kind to the Leafs. A 5-1 blowout to Anaheim, pair of ties in Los Angeles and San Jose, and one-goal losses to Calgary and Edmonton would give the Leafs a 0-2-2-1 in their first five games of the Western swing. So, when the Leafs did manage a 5-3 win over the Vancouver Canucks in the last game of the trip, nobody thought anything of the victory, given how dismal the six game swing had been overall.

And, above all else, nobody realized the Leafs were on the verge of an unbelievable streak.

Sure, beating a fairly strong Western team in Vancouver once may have seemed flukey, but when Toronto did it again with a 2-1 win at the ACC, it seemed as if there was a shift in momentum. Suddenly, the Leafs kept it up; a 3-1 win over what was then a hot Atlanta team; a 2-1 win over the hated Ottawa Senators; 4-2 and 5-4 victories over the Rangers (seriously; why do the Leafs always seem to play them in bunches?); a 6-0 shellacking of Boston. The cherry on top? Their 8th win in a row; a 5-2 manhandling of the powerhouse Detroit Red Wings. This game still ranks among my favourite regular season Leaf games ever watched; there is no other word for it but amazing. This was the game that made you believe the 2003-04 Leafs could actually be for real.

Unfortunately, the St. Louis Blues would slightly burst the bubble, with a 3-2 OT victory over the Leafs, handing them their first loss in about three weeks. That said, two important things of note here: the Leafs still collected an OT loser point, thus keeping a point streak intact. Secondly, the Leafs quickly would revert to their unbeaten ways for another 2.5 weeks after this game.

The Leafs rattled off three straight wins against Minnesota, the Rangers (Again? Seriously?!), and Tampa Bay. After tying lowly Washington, they went ahead and continued to make my Christmas Holidays amazing with a 4-2 win over Montreal, a 5-2 win over Florida, and a 6-5 OT win over.....wait for it.....the New York Rangers. Another sidenote about that last game: Friday night's game reminded a lot of it. It, too, was very back-and-forth, edge of your seat, hockey with major momentum shifts in the game. The Leafs blew a lead, but managed to rally back in OT. After looking back at this, I can't help but see how similar the two games were.

***********

By this time, the Leafs had managed an unbelievable 14-0-1-1 record since that fateful night in Vancouver, and sat atop the Eastern Conference standings, beginning to breathe down the neck of the Red Wings for the overall points lead. But, alas, all good things must come to an end; on Dec. 27, in Nassau County, the Islanders defeated the Leafs 4-2, giving them their first regulation loss in 17 games, and in one month and seven days. From there, the Leafs rode a decent 24-17-4-0 record to 4th place in the East, and a franchise record 103 points. In the process, they also traded for a player they saw quite a bit of during this hot sreak: Rangers blueliner Brian Leetch (filed under 'moves JFJ made that, surprisingly, were actually decent'). As we all know, they were knocked out in the 2nd round by the Flyers.

Yes, I realize the worst thing I could do on the day of a game against the Isles is remind you it was them who broke this unreal streak. However, for those suspicion freaks out there, remember two things:

1) The Islanders were actually a playoff team back then (albeit not an amazing one).

2) This game took place in Long Island. We all know the Leafs have about as much luck winning there as they do in Buffalo; anyone remember the 2002 playoff series where they went 4-0 in Toronto, and 0-3 in Uniondale?

Will we have that amazing a winning streak? I highly doubt it. And while this is the most optimism I've had for this hockey team in years, it'll take a lot of convincing to believe I'm going to see thirteen more games of this.

Which makes what the 2003-04 Leafs did that much more amazing.

Beautiful, ain't it?

To All the Leaf Fans...

2010-10-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

This is a message for all the true Leaf fans. The ones who stick for their team in thick and thin.

The ones who saw a team of mediocre dead weight players with no future.

The ones who put up with Andrew Raycroft in net and nearly had a heart attack.

The ones who put up with Vesa Toskala and likely did have a heart attack.

The ones who watched an abomination of a team start the season 0-7-1.

The ones who had haters tell them the myriad of ways the Leafs sucked.

The ones who tolerated a roster made up Stajan, Toskala, Blake, Stempniak, Toskala, Wozniewski, Toskala, Mayers, Hollweg, Toskala and Toskala.

And, above all else.....the ones who, even when everything seemed bleak, when the sky seemed to be falling, when there seem to be no hope left in Leafs Nation, never gave up the hope that, someday, it was all gonna be okay. That someday, our suffering would come to an end.

And now we're 4-0. There's still 78 games to go, but this the moment that those fans have dreamed for; the glimmer of hope we knew would come someday. Leafs Nation, that hope has arrived.

You've waited five years to see something like this. Thanks for never breaking your faith. And, above all else this season: Don't. Stop. Believing.

Obscure Leafs From the Last Decade, Vol. 2: Paul Healey

2010-10-11T13:13:00.000-07:00

Given my age compared to other Leaf fans, I lack the vivid memories of the 1993 and 1994 runs that other fans do, being only 6 and 7 years old at the time. The first year I followed the Leafs with any intensity was the 1998-99 season, with a playoff run to the Conference Finals; even then, however, the Leafs went out with a whimper to Buffalo. Moreover, just one year removed from a 60-point season, no one pegged them as a Cup contender.

2001-02, however, was different. The Leafs, fresh off two consecutive playoff losses to the Devils, took one of their best players in Alex Mogilny. They lit up the league, finished 3rd overall in the NHL, and, aside from the stacked Detroit Red Wings (who would go on to win the Cup), were likely one of the consensus picks to be a Cup contender. That's right; for the first time in at least 8 years, the Leafs appeared to be a team that could go all the way.

One of the reasons the Leafs appeared to be a contender: depth. The recurring theme of the 2001-02 Leafs was managing to win despite an injury-depleted roster. In February, Curtis Joseph went down to a post-Olympic injury; backup Corey Schwab, mediocre-to-poor all season, managed to come up clutch and keep the Leafs in solid playoff position down the home stretch. And the playoffs saw injuries to many players, including Mats Sundin. This gave several AHL plugs a chance to get in some playoff action; one of them was none other than #26 in your programs, #26,262, 626 in your programs........Paul Healey.

****************

WHO IS HE? Paul Healey, born Mar. 20, 1975 in Edmonton, AB; drafted 192nd overall by the Philadelphia Flyers in 1993-94.

INVOLVEMENT IN LEAFS ORGANIZATION: St. John's Maple Leafs/Toronto Maple Leafs (2001-03).

ROLE WITH TEAM: An injury call-up from St. John's/bottom six guy who, despite being a career minor leaguer, saw a fair amount of action with the Leafs at their peak (65 regular season games, 22 playoff games).

WHY YOU SHOULD LOVE HIM: Was part of the 2002 playoff roster, which by extension, makes him awesome (DISCLAIMER: offer not valid for Jonas Hoglund). Managed to get an assist despite super low expectations for the crew of injury fill-ins during this playoff run. Did more in a Leafs uniform than with any other NHL team, though if you look below, you'll notice that really isn't saying a whole lot.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE HIM: Nothing about the guy evokes visceral hatred; that said, he never was good enough to justify a full-time roster spot, which explains why his stint in Toronto didn't last long.

WHERE IS HE NOW? The Leafs let him walk in 2003, and he was picked up by the New York Rangers organization; spent most of the 2003-04 with the Hartford Wolf Pack, playing four games as a Ranger. Made various AHL stops in San Antonio, Edmonton, and Lowell, before playing what would be his last 2 games in the NHL with the Colorado Avalanche in 2005-06. Crossed the pond in 2006, spending 2006-07 in Sweden; played two more seasons in Austria. Returned to North America to play for the Florida Everblades of the ECHL in 2009-10. Currently a free agent.

NHL STATS:

Philadelphia Flyers (1996-98)- 0 pts. (0 pts/G)

Toronto Maple Leafs (2001-03)- 20 pts. (0.31 pts/G)

New York Rangers (2003-04)- 0 pts. (0 pts/G)

Colorado Avalanche (2005-06) 0 pts. (0 pts/G)

HIGHLIGHT REEL VID:

Healey's first career NHL goal, against the Washington Capitals.

Six Likely NHL Superheroes

2010-10-08T14:58:00.000-07:00

I'm sure most hockey fans have heard of Stan Lee's idea to create a league of 30 NHL superheroes. While most purists of the game may frown upon this idea, they clearly don't seem to understand Lee's concept. You see, Lee, like all of us, is a true hockey fan. He understand what us fans want, and won't deviate from reality. For, he understands the superpowers that each team and its fan base truly possess, and can make superheroes accordingly.

While Lee's project, set to be unveiled on January 30th at the All-Star game, is far from finished, we have got some early sketches of six superheroes from throughout the league, their superpowers and backstories. So without further adue, your likely NHL superheroes.

The Red Devil

METROPOLIS PROTECTED: Newark, New Jersey

SUPERPOWERS: Possesses ability to clone self five-fold, and proceed to block all his opponents' superpowers, until eventually they tire out and can be taken down with a single punch.

SUPERVILLAINS DEFEATED:

-The malevolent Salary Cap Man, who attempted to do away with the Red Devil by taking away Police Commissioner Lou's financial ability to pay and maintain our hero.

-Sean The Yakker, a mouthy New York-based villain with the main power to obstruct the Red Devil's view in battle. Really doesn't do much damage, except emotionally when he calls our hero 'Fatso'.

KRYPTONITE: Plump super-referees who need another donut; the League of Overpaid Russian Superheroes.

The Flying Frenchman

METROPOLIS PROTECTED: Montreal, Quebec

SUPERPOWERS: Is so short, he has the impeccable ability to hide from villains in just about any situation.

SUPERVILLAINS DEFEATED:

-The Rioting Rebels, a gang of ne'er-do-well followers of our hero that will start battles when they feel he doesn't live up to their unreasonable expectations for fighting crime in their fair city; possess powers of super strength and fire- specifically, the ability to lift and flip cars, and then set them on fire.

-The Press Plunderer, a great rival of our hero. Often uses psychological games to undermine the Flying Frenchman, and possesses the power of shame and indignation should our hero not speak enough French in his crime-fighting endeavours.

KRYPTONITE: The Pricer, who is impervious to the Flying Frenchman's attacks since they go through his larger-than-normal five-hole.

The Black Hawk

METROPOLIS PROTECTED: Chicago, Illinois

SUPERPOWERS: Immortality; he literally came back from the dead to become the strongest superhero in the universe. Super voice; he can bring enemies to their knees with the super siren song of 'Chelsea Dagger'.

SUPERVILLAINS DEFEATED:

-The Wailing Wirtz, a menacing old villain who used his powers of super frugality to lock our hero into battle for decades. Finally defeated him three years ago, thus allowing the citizens of Chicago to watch the Black Hawk smite his enemies in the comfort of their own homes.

-The Crabby Cabbie, a gruff Buffalonian who short-changed the Black Hawk; his refusal to bestow the 20 cents owed to our hero was met with a swift punch of justice.

KRYPTONITE: Money; spent too much importing an expensive part from the Czech Republic last year, and now has to downgrade on several parts in order to stay afloat.

Capt. Johnny Canuck

METROPOLIS PROTECTED: Vancouver, British Columbia

SUPERPOWERS: Actually made up of two Swedish twins who use twin rings to activate their special powers and become the formidable Capt. Johnny Canuck. Also boasts powers of outrage and indignation.

SUPERVILLAINS DEFEATED:

-The Tamperer, an evil Toronto-based villain who speculated stealing our hero's powers for his own malevolent use. Was defeated when Capt. Johnny Canuck begged Commissioner Bettman to give him a stern lecture to 'never, ever, do that again' and was banished to 'sit in a corner and think about what he's done.'

-The Zebra, who sought to destroy Capt. Johnny Canuck as revenge for being embarrassed by him. Has power to trap our hero into an unmovable box until he is able to be defeated.

KRYPTONITE: Regardless of how formidable his abilities are, our hero can never seem to defeat the Black Hawk.

The Blue Trumpeter

METROPOLIS PROTECTED: St. Louis, Missouri

SUPERPOWERS: Magic invisibility powers; can go about fighting crime for years without anyone really noticing him.

SUPERVILLAINS DEFEATED:

Yeeeah....he's not really the kind of superhero that actually has much success defeating villains; though he has been known to outsource his powers to other superheroes so that *they* can successfully fight crime.

KRYPTONITE: Known as the 'Eric Brewer spell,' forever remain in super slow speed, and is thus unable to defeat villains who move faster than a turtle stuck in jello.

Leaf Man

METROPOLIS PROTECTED: Toronto, Ontario; though sometimes has been known to step in and fight crime in Montreal, Ottawa, Buffalo, Western Canada, and Florida.

SUPERPOWERS: Eternal optimism; our hero is able to take an absolute beating from opponents and maintain the belief they can defeat them. High alcohol tolerance from drinking his sorrows away. A lot of sorrows. Lots and lots.

SUPERVILLAINS DEFEATED:

-The Ottawa Gladiators, who, upon four defeats at the hands of our hero, came back stronger villains, almost seeming to dominate Leaf Man. Soon, however, Leaf Man would channel the special power of truculence, and beat the Gladiators into a submissive, bloody pulp; one Gladiator would eventually run away to the rolling hills of Northern California.

-Luther Cox, a chrome-domed supervillain who attempted to defeat Leaf Man with the use of the number 67, an apparent weakness of our hero; was eventually defeated by Leaf Man by pretending he doesn't exist.

KRYPTONITE: Unrealistic expectations of his powers; when he wins a battle, he assumes he's the strongest superhero in the universe, and starts parading down Yonge Street announcing this fact. When he loses a battle, he usually can be found curled up on his apartment couch crying in his underwear while clutching a half-full bottle of whiskey.

NHL 2010-11 Season Preview: Predictions That Will Be 55.3% Accurate Come April

2010-10-05T16:35:00.000-07:00

Another season is soon upon is, and with it, time to take a look at predictions. I've played it safe for the most part, but attempted some bold predictions here. I know there will be some controversy, and some people will not agree with me, but we can hug it out in the comments section.*

EASTERN CONFERENCE:

1) Washington Capitals

SIGN OF PROGRESS: The fact it's now October, since the Caps seem to have this 'winning from October to early April' thing down pat.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: In the event the refs turn on Washington, Bruce Boudreau isn't really in much of a position to tell them to have another donut.

BOLD PREDICTION: Will manage to choke to lower-seeded team in second round this year.

2) Pittsburgh Penguins

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Signed Paul Martin this off-season, who most hockey experts agree is the best former Canadian Prime Minister playing in the NHL.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: So far only seem able to win Cups with Hal Gill playing for them, not against them.

BOLD PREDICTION: In a disappointing turn of media exposure, NBC will only broadcast 81 of their games this season. Unless, you know, poker or extreme tiddlywinks or something is on.

3) Boston Bruins

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Plans for a lengthy rebuild have been scrapped by Bruins management since the Leafs were generous enough to handle most of the dirty work for them.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: Team medical staff has not been revamped to include a Heimlich specialist needed in case of a 3-0 lead.

BOLD PREDICTION: In retribution for his headshot that concussed Marc Savard, Matt Cooke will be vaporized by Zdeno Chara. Chara will subsequently be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

4) Philadelphia Flyers

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Managed to surpass insurmountable odds to make the Stanley Cup Finals, thanks largely in part to veteran blueliner Chris Pronger.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: This means it's only a matter of time before he gets traded for Joffrey Lupul.

BOLD PREDICTION: Will actually manage to keep some stability in net, rotating through only seven different goalies this season.

5) New Jersey Devils

SIGN OF PROGRESS: The return of Jason Arnott is part of their new Cup-winning strategy: bring back the entire 1999-00 team.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: Thanks to this Kovalchuk cap issue, they've now managed to ruin hockey twice in a fifteen-year span. Has to be some kind of record.

BOLD PREDICTION: Bill Daly will definitely be defriended from Facebook by Lou Lamiorello.

6) Buffalo Sabres

SIGN OF PROGRESS: The Sabres front office made one of the more shrewd offseason moves in deciding not to re-sign the 'golden slug' logo.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: Hm....it says here that Ryan Miller is their No. 1 defenseman. Wait...that can't be right...can it?

BOLD PREDICTION: In the time it took me to type this, Tim Connolly just broke something.

7) Tampa Bay Lightning

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Hiring Olympic Gold-winning GM Steve Yzerman is a smart front office move.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: There are concerns that Yzerman's long-term success plan of acquiring his entire Olympic roster may run into some cap problems.

BOLD PREDICTION: Dan Ellis' lecture tour to the lower-middle class areas of Tampa about his struggles of financial well-being will only be a success if it doesn't culminate in a couple of bullet wounds.

8) Ottawa Senators

SIGN OF PROGRESS: The incessant booing of Dion Phaneuf at Scotiabank Place in the preseason shows their fans actually do go to games.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: Enforcer Matt Carkner is expected to miss as many as 60 games due to 'Colton Orr-induced injuries.'

BOLD PREDICTION: Will win the Stanley Cup. You have my Daniel Alfredsson guarantee on this one.

9) Toronto Maple Leafs

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Early indications seem promising that the Leafs will, in fact, win one of their first eight games.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: What's a Clarke MacArthur, and what is it doing on the second line?

BOLD PREDICTION: The addition of Kris Versteeg will not only provide more offense, but give captain Dion Phaneuf a potential drunken karaoke duet partner.

10) Montreal Canadiens

SIGN OF PROGRESS: At least one of their first liners is likely to get their growth spurt this season.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: GM Pierre Gauthier felt he got fleeced in the Halak trade after realizing that Lars Eller was, in fact, not the drummer for Metallica.

BOLD PREDICTION: In spite of last summer's G20 Summit problems, will take back the rioting crown from rival Toronto this year.

11) New York Rangers

SIGN OF PROGRESS: After being eliminated from the playoffs in a shootout, fans of the other 29 teams will no longer have to be subjected to that f@#$%ing Marek Malik clip from five years ago.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: Glen Sather (for more information, see: Sutter, Darryl).

BOLD PREDICTION: At least 75% of Derek Boogaard's monster salary will go to restitution to the long line of players he nearly kills this year.

12) Carolina Hurricanes

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Based on the pattern the Hurricanes tend to follow, they should be a contender in time for the 2012-13 season.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: If there's a lockout that year, they're pretty much hooped.

BOLD PREDICTION: Within three months of the season starting, at least ten Hurricanes Ice Girls will have received 'the Full Tlusty'.

13) Atlanta Thrashers

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Greatly improved their offense with the addition of Cup-winning postseason hero Dustin Byfuglien.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: The above can't really be counted as progress in the event that: 1) The coach decides to put Byfuglien on D; 2) They don't make the playoffs. Not that either is much of a concern or anything.

BOLD PREDICTION: Will retain their title as Atlanta's 4th most popular professional sports franchise.

14) New York Islanders

SIGN OF PROGRESS: If they can repeat last year's Matt Moulson phenomenon, moving at a rate of one come-from-nowhere success story per season, they should have a complete offense by 2018.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: After Kyle Okposo, the Isles are one injury away from putting some of their Ice Girls in the bottom six.

BOLD PREDICTION: If Charles Wang takes Rick DiPietro out back and gives him the 'Old Yeller' treatment, they will be absolved of the cap hit if he can make it look like an accident.

15) Florida Panthers

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Pro.......gress? I'm afraid you'll have to explain to me what that means.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: The fact their GM and coach can manage to put 'Bryan McCabe' and 'leadership' in the same sentence while keeping a straight face.

BOLD PREDICTION: Eventually, someone is going to wonder what those French guys are doing hanging around the BankAtlantic Center, and why they seem really interested in watching this team.

WESTERN CONFERENCE:

1) San Jose Sharks

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Seemed to find increased playoff success in their new system, known better as 'Joe Thornton actually fucking does something'.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: This team has such issues with consistency that they are hard to make decent predictions about. As a result, I outsourced that job to a member of the Sharks front office.

BOLD PREDICTION:

2) Vancouver Canucks

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Fans *were* treated last year to a championship in Vancouver, backstopped by Roberto Luongo; that's got to count for something, right?

SIGN OF TROUBLE: The departure of Kyle Wellwood has led to an increased amount of food from the Canucks buffet spreads going to waste.

BOLD PREDICTION: The Canucks will finish 1st overall among teams with three or more gingers.

3) Detroit Red Wings

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Somehow manage to continue contend despite having not had real goaltending for most of the last twenty years.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: This roster eerily resembles the all-star team from NHL 95.

BOLD PREDICTION: I really could just copy and paste the same thing for Detroit every year and nobody would notice.

4) Chicago Blackhawks

SIGN OF PROGRESS: In ending a 49-year Cup drought, made an entire city forget, if only for a moment, just how f@#$%ing terrible the Cubs really are.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: The loss of pretty much every player that contributed to their Cup win. Except for Jonathan Toews, Patrick Kane, Patrick Sharp, Marian Hossa, Duncan Keith, Brent Seabrook, Brian Campbell, David Bolland, Troy Brouwer, Nik Hjalmarsson, and Tomas Kopecky. But yeah, not like those guys will do much of anything!

BOLD PREDICTION: At least 5 heart attacks will occur in the Greater Chicago Area as a result of watching Marty Turco leaving his net to play the puck.

5) Los Angeles Kings

SIGN OF PROGRESS: I can't think of anything. Hmm...gee, I dunno....the fact they, um.......actually made the playoffs, perhaps?!

SIGN OF TROUBLE: The retirement of Kerry Fraser means that a return to the Stanley Cup Finals is now pretty unlikely.

BOLD PREDICTION: Jonathan Quick's performance this season will evoke multiple annoying, nostalgic stories on HNIC from Kelly Hrudey, until one heroic individual strikes him in the head with a tire iron.

6) Calgary Flames

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Signed a new No. 1 centre in the offseason. Strangely, he has the same name as this underachieving guy who played here and was traded away last season, but I'm sure that's just some sort of coincidence.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: Darryl Sutter (for more information, see: Sather, Glen).

BOLD PREDICTION: Matt Stajan will fall down, go boom.

7) St. Louis Blues

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Carlo Colaiacovo: accident-free for 136 days!

SIGN OF TROUBLE: When you sit down and think about it, giving up Scott Stevens almost twenty years ago led this team down the path to having Eric Brewer as their captain.

BOLD PREDICTION: The Blues will finish as a middle of the road team that isn't quite good or bad, and are barely noticeable. In other words, this season will be exactly like the last 40 or so.

8) Phoenix Coyotes

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Managed to make playoffs despite constant home game distraction of Jim Balsillie throwing broken Blackberries at their bench.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: Management was under impression revenue and attendance drastically increased from the previous season; however, they realized they were actually holding the chart upside down.

BOLD PREDICTION: Paul Bissonnette will not only match his 117 PIM from last season, but get double that number of Tweets per game.

9) Anaheim Ducks

SIGN OF PROGRESS: In order to compensate for a weak defense, Randy Carlyle plans on implementing the 'Flying V'.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: This strategy has had mixed results, mainly because of Jason Blake breaking up the formation by skating laps around the net and shooting at the goalie's chest.

BOLD PREDICTION: Ryan Getzlaf will see a 25% increase in scoring, but it will go sadly unnoticed compared to his 125% increase in baldness.

10) Colorado Avalanche

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Managed to change goaltending strategy from the default 'acquire Habs goalie being booed out of town' just in time to avoid having to resort to Carey Price.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: Poor leadership from some young defenseman named Adam Foote, who must be the son of that old guy who played for this team when they won the Cup.

BOLD PREDICTION: Paul Stastny's face will continue to garner this reaction from young children.

11) Nashville Predators

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Now featuring 27% less crooked ownership!

SIGN OF TROUBLE: Shane O'Brien might struggle after his attempts at picking up Nashville girls at the bars fail, given that none of them know who he is, or who the Predators are, or what hockey is.

BOLD PREDICTION: Two fans are killed, and five wounded in Shea Weber slapshot gone tragically wrong.

12) Dallas Stars

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Much like any caring family member would, sent an aging Mike Modano to the NHL's retirement home: the Detroit Red Wings.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: They actually consider Kari Lehtonen a legitimate starting goalie.

BOLD PREDICTION: Mike Ribeiro will miss most of the season as a result of his second job: hosting diving clinics for the Portuguese soccer team in preparation for Euro 2012.

13) Minnesota Wild

SIGN OF PROGRESS: Made genius assumption that Guillaume Latendresse may be a good player who caved to pressure of being a Francophone in the lone French NHL market; who ever could have possibly deduced *that* one?!

SIGN OF TROUBLE: Someone really should have informed them that before moving to a 'run n' gun' offense, they probably needed to find some guns first.

BOLD PREDICTION: You'll still change the channel whenever they're on TV.

14) Edmonton Oilers

SIGN OF PROGRESS: For the first time in more than twenty years, have developed a young nucleus of rookies with a promising future to build a contender.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: Might wanna get on 'winning a Cup' thing now, since, at an accelerated salary cap pace, they'll all be New York Rangers in about three years.

BOLD PREDICTION: If Nikolai Khabibulin gets thrown under the bus this season, it's probably to prevent him from driving it.

15) Columbus Blue Jackets

SIGN OF PROGRESS: There's some guy named Rick Nash who I've heard is pretty good.

SIGN OF TROUBLE: Apparently a roster is supposed to have 22 other players. Hm....well....that's kind of a disappointment.

BOLD PREDICTION: You will care about their existence for about 1-6 games per season, which is about how long their fans will care, too.

(*DISCLAIMER: I'm aware this is quite similar format to the DGB previews. However, I started writing these up around late August, used a similar format for satirical previews I wrote up last season, and tinkered with them as much as I possibly could to differentiate myself without screwing with any of the content I had down that I actually liked.)

Leafs Mythbusters: Addressing the 'No Offense' Criticism

2010-10-04T13:54:00.000-07:00

If there's been one criticism of the Leafs as of late, it's that they have no scoring whatsoever. Often involved in this criticism is the lack of top-flight scoring, lack of a bona fide No. 1 centre, and 'no real first liners' on the team aside from Phil Kessel.

These terms, however, are pretty subjective, so this warrants a good look. Are the Leafs really just a team of second and third line forwards? Will scoring really be their undoing? On paper, it would seem that way; the Leafs were 25th in goals last season, and in spite of signing Kris Versteeg and Colby Armstrong, aren't pegged by too many people to improve much on that mark. Moreover, while many teams boast at least one elite forward (e.g. Ovechkin , Crosby, etc.), the Leafs cannot really say the same.

So, how bad will it be? I decided to run a league-wide measure of 'goals for' among top six forwards on each team. Be warned, this isn't purely scientific since: a) lineups aren't set in stone, b) injuries are always a factor, c) these are projections of what I see happening this year should a player play close to a full season; the reality, however, is that some players have breakout years, some have off years, rookies are always hard to peg (I'm looking at you, Edmonton), etc. So it's not at all 100% accurate. However, it is, at the very least, a pretty decent indicator of basic expectations for the year.

Counting and rounding in fives, I decided to predict goal totals for our top six forwards this year. For our first line, I took Versteeg's 20-range goals from last year, and predicted he could hit 25 with 1st line ice time. Bozak's 8 goals in 37 games would come to over 15 for a full season, so predicting 20 wasn't a tall order (at the very least, rounding up to 20 wasn't). As for Kessel....well, 35 goals isn't outside the realm of possibility. This puts our first line at 80 goals for this exercise.

As for the second line, Kulemin-Grabovski-MacArthur, I'd predict MacArthur can hit 15 goals, while one of Grabo and Kulemin can get 20 goals at a minimum, while the other gets 15. This would bring our second line total to 50 goals.

The Leafs top six goal-scoring total is thus 130 goals. How does this total stack up among the 30 NHL teams? Let's see....

A modest improvement, though that's not saying much. The Leafs would be in a tie for 19th with three teams that aren't exactly considered playoff contenders: Carolina, Atlanta, and the Rangers. The teams below them are also either: a) awful teams (e.g. Florida, Edmonton, NY Islanders), or b) teams with a defensive system, great goaltending, or both (e.g. Phoenix, Boston, Nashville). In other words, this kind of offensive company doesn't exactly instill confidence.

But, back to the question at hand: is it our lack of elite players? Is our first line really going to be that terrible by NHL standards at putting pucks in the net? Since the main criticism of this team seems to be a lack of first line players, let's look at how the Leafs first line stacks up against the rest of the league:

Their first line, that godawful first line with no superstars or elite talent that will be the scourge of this offense....is projected by this measure to be T-12th for goals among first lines in the NHL, alongside...the Eastern Champion Philadelphia Flyers, the always contending Detroit Red Wings, and a Columbus Blue Jackets top line featuring Rick Nash. Not exactly what we'd call bad company. And, as a fun aside, the Leafs are second in Canadian teams to only Vancouver in first line scoring; bet you didn't see that coming!

So, what's the problem? Well, I'd say that second line scoring could help answer this:

There's no other word for this: ouch.

So, what exactly does this mean? The concept that the Leafs offense is plagued by a lack of a 1st line centre, top line talent, etc., is pretty much a myth. We've seen the Leafs first line can compete with some of the better NHL teams; they may lack superstar talent, but they have the tools to get it done. The Versteeg-Bozak-Kessel line can put pucks in the net with the same ease as some of the better teams' top lines.

The problem is the lack of offensive depth. Beyond the top line, there's no other 25-goal scorers on the team. Many teams boast at least one, if not a 30-goal scorer, while 15-goal scorers (such as MacArthur) are often relegated to the bottom six. The major talent gap between 1st and 2nd lines shows just that. And, were we to factor in 3rd and 4th lines, I'm sure it would paint an even sadder offensive picture of where the Leafs stack up.

So, when someone argues the Leafs don't have a top line, show them they're wrong. But, just remember, the Leafs just don't have a whole lot of scoring up front beyond that line.

And it's that, not the lack of a no. 1 centre, that is the scourge of the Leafs' offensive production.

Obscure Leafs From the Last Decade, Vol. 1: Bates Battaglia

2010-09-27T14:06:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the newest FMC feature I hope to keep during the season! Now, the fine folks at PPP have been quite good at highlighting various players that graced the blue and white throughout history in the 'Leaf of the Day' bit; you may think this is redundant overlap with that. Before you do, keep in mind this segment is different in that it follows a narrower scope than LoTD, first in that it will be a weekly feature (updated on Mondays), but will also highlight past Leafs who fulfill the following three criteria:

1) They must have been a Leaf within the last decade (i.e. between the 2000-01 and 2009-10 seasons).

2) They must have been plugs/role players/hold such a minimal impact with the Leafs that they actually need me to highlight the fact they were ever a Leaf in this blog.

3) They must have amounted to absolutely sh*t all after leaving the Leafs (if they weren't already doing that here, really).

So, without further adue, I present the first OLFLD: #33 in your programs, and #33,333 in your hearts.....Bates Battaglia.

**************

WHO IS HE?: Jonathan 'Bates' Battaglia; born Dec. 13, 1975 in Chicago, IL; 132nd overall pick of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks in 1993-94.

INVOLVEMENT IN LEAFS ORGANIZATION: Toronto Marlies (2005-06; 2007-09); Toronto Maple Leafs (2006-07).

ROLE WITH TEAM: 4th line plug/perennial minor leaguer. Basically, he was only really here because he played for the Hurricanes under Paul Maurice, and it's not like he played favourites with some pretty mediocre guys or anything.

WHY YOU SHOULD LOVE HIM: He fought Wade Redden. Yes, Wade Redden. And actually did a decent job.

WHY YOU SHOULD HATE HIM: The fact that he was a top six forward for a 2001-02 Carolina Hurricanes team that crushed the Leafs' Cup dreams that year, coupled with the fact he was nowhere near as useful when he actually became a Leaf four years later.

WHERE IS HE NOW?: After being signed to a two-year contract in 2007, and spending all but 13 games of it in the AHL, Battaglia was signed by the Syracuse Crunch in November 2009. After 29 games, he signed a contract with Jokerit of the Finnish Elite League. Although I can't be sure, it appears he is returning to Jokerit for the 2010-11 season.

NHL STATS:

Carolina Hurricanes (1997-2003)- 150 pts. (0.37 Pts/G).

Colorado Avalanche (2003-04)- 7 pts. (0.41 Pts/G).

Washington Capitals (2004)- 10 pts. (0.15 Pts/G).

Toronto Maple Leafs (2006-07)- 31 pts. (0.33 Pts/G).

HIGHLIGHT REEL VID:

Best I can do for you......

And thus concludes week one of 'Obscure Leafs'. Join me here next Monday, as we remember an AHL injury call-up from the Pat Quinn era who saw his time to shine one fateful spring. Who will it be? We'll find out next week.

Preseason: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

2010-09-26T13:40:00.000-07:00

Dear readers (all three of you),

Been a while, hasn't it? Indeed, it's been almost two months since I last blogged here. In that time, however, I went on vacation for a week, moved to another city, and started law school, and the copious amounts of reading that go with it. There's also been zilch in the way of decent hockey news until about the last week.

So, here we go again. I'm actually going to make a concerted effort to keep a steady blogging schedule this year. Because this will be the year the Leafs go all the way....right? Right? RIGHT?!?!? My goal is to throw up a few humour pieces here and there, maybe liveblog one game a month, and introduce a new feature called 'Obscure Leafs of the Last Decade'. This means you'll see about 2-3 posts per week, which is something I can actually do in the vast amount of time I spend procrastinating schoolwork.

Anyways, five games in, there's a fair amount to talk about, so I'll run a quick recap.

1) vs. Ottawa (L 5-0): Admittedly, I didn't even watch the third period; this game was just all around awful. Phaneuf was awful, Kaberle was awful, Lebda skates with the speed of a turtle trapped in jello and molasses, and anyone on defense not named 'Carl Gunnarsson' blew. On the bright side, I liked what I saw of Versteeg and Armstrong. A lot. And the good guys were 3-0 for fights.

2) vs. Ottawa (W 4-1): Sweet, sweet revenge! Lessard is a giant douche, and paid for it with a Komisarek-induced visit to the Leafs bench. The truculence continueth. I like the KBK line. Reimer and Scrivens both look strong. I realize I'm kind of in love with Mike Brown's mustache.

3) vs. Philadelphia (W 3-2, SO): Token game in London in which the Flyers were the 'home' team. I didn't actually see this game, so this is the one I can't really comment much on. I hear Jeff Carter has frosted tips, though; what's up with that?

4) vs. Philadelphia (L 4-3, SO): This should have been a win, and would've been had there been video review. That said, a couple of bad bounces and lapses near the end of the game cost the Leafs what should've been a win. Great effort, otherwise; strong performances from Kessel, Versteeg, Phaneuf, and Giguere, among others.

5) @ Buffalo (L 3-1): Not the best outcome, but since the Leafs can't ever seem to buy a win in Buffalo, this is nothing out of the ordinary. Definite mismatch of teams; last year's Northeast champs had 3/4 of their NHL roster playing, while the Leafs had about 8 NHL-bound skaters on their roster. Kulemin, Schenn played pretty well.

With that in mind, here's the good, bad, and ugly from the preseason thus far:

GOOD- Leafs Top Line: We've seen two variations so far; Kulemin-Bozak-Kessel, and Versteeg-Bozak-Kessel. While my preference is the latter, either has looked pretty impressive in the games so far.

GOOD- Penalty Kill: has the Leafs PK really only allowed one goal in 5 games? Is this because the Leafs are playing lesser opponents by virtue of it being preseason? I can't say for sure, but what I do know is that I haven't seen a PK look this confident in quite a while. On top of that, one of the team's best penalty killers- Fredrik Sjostrom- has missed camp due to injury. Once we get Freddy Shoe Storm back in the lineup, expect this penalty kill to get better. Oh yeah, and that whole 'no longer have Vesa Toskala around' kinda helps, too. Either way, this team needs at least 80% on the PK if it wants to think about playoffs.

GOOD- Truculence: I wish in the worst way the Leafs could afford to keep Jay Rosehill in the NHL, field a line of Rosehill-Orr-Brown, and simply scare opponents shitless. Teams better not f**k with us, or, in the words of great philosopher Russell Peters, 'Somebody gonna get hurt reeeeeal bad.'

GOOD- Mike Brown's mustache: Not much more explanation needed. It is moustachulence in its greatest form. Good to know Ian White didn't take that long to replace.

GOOD- Luca Caputi: This summer, I had Caputi's chances of making this team somewhere around 15-20%. In the few games he's played, Burke would have to be crazy not to keep this guy on the team.

BAD- Nazem Kadri: I hate to say he's 'bad', but he certainly had great expectations coming into camp, and has not met a single one. While the jury was out on whether he should make this team or not, there's no question; if he's playing like this in the preseason, against teams that are fielding AHLers, he's simply not going to cut it in the NHL right now. He needs seasoning in the AHL; there's no shame in it. He's still got a lot of potential, but needs more time to work things out so he can play at this level.

BAD- John Mitchell: the cut of Wayne Primeau today pretty much means Mitchell will make the team, but time is more or less ticking for him. While guys like Caputi and Hanson have done a good job of making an impression in camp, Mitchell has done what he does best: not a whole hell of a lot.

UGLY- All this f@#$%ing Mike Liambas coverage: Never have I seen so much media coverage devoted to a guy in preseason with zero chance of making the NHL. News flash: people who fuck up get second chances. Todd Bertuzzi is still in the NHL, no? And many would agree Michael Vick forcing dogs to fight and kill each other for profit is far worse than anything Liambas has done or will do. And yet, he's a starting NFL quarterback. Let's not attack Burke for giving a kid a shot to play the game he loves, or, you know, obsess over it when, in the grand scheme of things, it has no importance whatsoever.

So there you have it. Everything I could scribble out into one blog. Until next time!

The Hawks Dumping Niemi Made Sense

2010-08-04T17:06:00.000-07:00

There's been some talk about how the Hawks perennially shot themselves in the foot by letting Niemi walk, and signing Marty Turco to take the reins as goaltender, instead. Now, I think there's lots of things that Chicago has going against them to repeat as Cup champions: the loss of Dustin Byfuglien's solid playoff performance; trading away 2/3 of their checking line in Andrew Ladd and Kris Versteeg; losing a decent defensive/penalty killing forward in John Madden.

Despite this, Chicago still has its offensive core intact and has a defense that is arguably the best in the NHL; this means I'd say they've still got a lot left in the tank to contend this season, though losing a good chunk of the players who contributed to that victory without much in terms of replacements will hurt them.

Do I see losing Niemi as an example of this? Definitely not. First, let's re-read what I just wrote here, specifically the part that says 'without much in replacements...'. The Hawks don't have anyone who can step in and do what Byfuglien, Ladd, Versteeg, and Madden did for them last season; Niemi, on the other hand, has been replaced. By Marty Turco.

Despite the remarks made about Niemi's solid performance in last year's playoffs, comparing his numbers to Turco's last season are quite telling. Sure, Niemi may be way ahead in GAA compared to Turco (2.25 vs. 2.72), but this is a statistic that reflects not just on the goaltender, but the D. Having the likes of Duncan Keith, Brent Seabrook, Nik Hjalmarsson and Brian Campbell in front of a goalie will help said netminder get their GAA pretty low. Contrast this with Dallas; their D is certainly nowhere close to the Hawks' caliber. If Turco had that team in front of him with the Stars, you don't think a 2.25 would have been possible? Please.

A more telling stat is save percentage, since it shows how many of the shots the goaltender faced they were able to stop; in other words, there aren't the same extraneous variables you have with GAA. Here, Turco and Niemi are pretty much equal (.913 vs. .912). So, really, you can't claim much difference in the performance of either goalie last season, independent of the team they happened to play for.

While equal on the stats sheet, where they are not equals is on the pay sheet. The simple reality is that the Hawks have been plagued with cap trouble all summer, hence trading many of their solid players. When one goaltender has been awarded $2.75M by an arbitrator, while there is another goaltender on the UFA market demanding $1.3M with similar numbers and a longer track record to look at than your current goaltender, who would you take?

People, in my opinion, also have begun to overrate Niemi based on his Cup victory, despite the fact the only evidence we have of him at the NHL level is one season with 42 games played. This isn't to say he is good, or could be good, or was hot during the playoffs. He is a Stanley Cup-winning goaltender. But, then again, so is Cam Ward. And Chris Osgood (x3). His half a season of experience and Cup victory with a dynamic offense and all-star defense really doesn't tell me enough to think he is worth $2.75M. Turco, on the other hand, has been able to take some pretty average Dallas teams through the years and push them to their limits. It'll be interesting to see how he can fare in front of an elite team, and what is arguably the best blueline he's had in front of him in his career.

Is walking away from Niemi a bad thing? Sure. Does doing so and taking on Turco instead mean the untimely demise of the Blackhawks? Nope. I do believe that Turco can do just as good a job, if not better, than Niemi did, with about half the cap hit.

In the end, Chicago made the right choice. And, if they don't repeat as Cup champs, there will be some losses from this offseason that contribute to this, but Antti Niemi will not be one of them.

Realistic Movie Titles the NHL Needs

2010-07-15T15:14:00.000-07:00

You know, as hockey fans, we've certainly been spoiled with some pretty decent hockey movies in our lifetime. At the top of any list would be the iconic Slap Shot (1977), which made a legend of the Hanson Brothers (and likely subjected Christian Hanson to a lifetime of being asked when he will put on the foil). Also a favourite was the Mighty Ducks trilogy, which not only inspired hockey fans despite obviously unrealistic plotlines (Inner city L.A. kids playing street hockey? And seriously, who's ever heard of Trinidad and Tobago or Iceland having a hockey team?), but actually created an NHL franchise in Anaheim. Plus, let's be honest: when the Ducks won the Cup in 2007, you were kind of hoping they had Gordon Bombay behind the bench, pulling the 'Flying V' on the hapless Sens. Admit it, you were.

But, that was, then, and this is now. If there's one chief failing of Gary Bettman's NHL that no one seems to discuss, it's that there hasn't been a decent hockey movie made in years. Since the mid-90s, what have we seen? That Disney movie with the chimp on skates, the godawful Love Guru (2008), and now....what has to be the low point for hockey movies. It's pretty much Blades of Glory meets Men With Brooms meets High School Musical, with emphasis on that last movie. Watch, if you dare.

With this low point in hockey movie making, it's clear that what we need to improve hockey movies to give the fans something they could enjoy. In fact, here are my suggestions for four realistic movies that hockey fans would be guaranteed to love.

Trappers

"You can't teach speed....but you can obstruct it."

The year is 1994. Jean Laperierre is a washed up NHL superstar who has faded into obscurity, until one day, he gets a call from the GM of the Newark Swamp Monsters, and his life changes forever. Laperierre is given one last chance in the game of hockey to turn the hapless Swamp Monsters into a contender. There's just one problem: they may have a star goalie, but they can't hit the broad side of a barn with a puck. So, Laperriere revolutionizes the way the game is playing by introducing a winning formula: five guys clogging up the neutral zone and blueline ensuring that the other team can't score to save their lives. The result are thrilling 1-0 and 2-1 victories en route to the Stanley Cup Final that will surely leave viewers in a near-narcoleptic state.

FUN FACTS: Cameos by Ken Daneyko and Mike Peluso. The producers of Trappers are also apparently planning a sequel starring Laperriere, expected to be set in St. Paul, Minnesota.

The Lockout

"Forget slapshots; this hockey movie has slapstick!"

Mega Hockey League (MHL) commissioner Gordon Betts (Danny DeVito) has a problem: he's incompetent. And his league is losing money. Badly. And the players are being signed to bigger, longer contracts than ever. Betts attempts to implement a 'salary cap' to limit how much teams spend on players' salaries, but union leader Rob Badenow will have none of it. He refuses to accept Betts' terms, spiraling the league into uncertainty over whether the next season would even be played or not. Be doubled over in laughter as both Betts and Badenow fumble their way through pointless negotiations, plunging their league and sport into relative obscurity in the process. You'll be laughing so hard, you'll cry! Or maybe you'll probably just cry!

FUN FACT: To invoke true realism for fans, this film was capped at a budget of $39 million.

Press Pass

"All the news that's fit to rant."

Harland Brewer (Geraldo Rivera) is a mustachioed, Toronto-based, ex-baseball commentator down on his luck. Looking for work in the sports field, he turns to the biggest game in town: the Toronto Maple Leafs. After a couple months, however, Brewer finds the day-to-day briefings of injuries, lineups, and healthy scratches to be a boring endeavour; so, he goes rogue. After meeting an odd Leafs fan by the name of Bushkorn Senssuck (Louie Anderson), Brewer is inspired to use his ramblings as the base of diatribes lobbed at an entire fan base of millions. Watch as he bites the hand that feeds him, taking swipes at anyone who gives even a penny to what he calls the 'most valuable losers'! In his first acting appearance since being Lost's John Locke, Terry O'Quinn gives a riveting supporting role as reporter Lucifer Cox, who is struck with a debilitating disability leaving him unable to say anything aside from '1967'.

FUN FACT: This movie features a guest cameo by Ron Wilson in a press conference scene. In order to allow for a fully real effect of the movie, a la R. Lee Ermey in Full Metal Jacket, Wilson's scenes were left unscripted, giving him the opportunity to improvise. The directors knew that's what he does best.

Avery: Portrait of a Douchebag

"Life's tough when everyone's got your sloppy seconds."

In his first major acting role since Avatar, Sam Worthington takes on his toughest role of all: that of NHL goon Sean Avery. We see the world through Sean's eyes: an egomaniacal attention-seeker in front of the camera, Worthington reveals a different side of Avery. Distraught by his breakup with Elisha Cuthbert (played by herself), futile rebound attempts thereafter, and a desire for a fashion career that isn't taking off, we see Avery's private world trickle into his actions on the ice. Avery has also been given a top prize by the Toronto Film Festival, and especially enjoyed by guest judges, Leafs players Dion Phaneuf and Mike Komisarek.

FUN FACT: In a scene reminiscent of A Few Good Men, Tom Cruise appears as Avery's attorney, litigating the aforementioned Harland Brewer character in what is known as 'the cancer scene'. Much like in real life, however, Rivera's character from his movie does not appear in this movie to back up the comments he made towards Avery.

So, there you have it, folks. All these movies will be hitting theatres October 2010. For added realism, ticket prices will vary from market to market. This means that the odds any Leaf fans will actually see these movies without the help of Bitorrent is pretty much about as high as their team's Stanley Cup hopes this year.

(DISCLAIMER: all tickets for these movies shall be subject to a No Return Clause. And no, we will not waive it for you.)

Leafs Sign Marcel Mueller: ......Wait, Who?

2010-07-14T23:41:00.000-07:00

"You know the Germans always make good stuff."

-Vince Offer, December 2008

Much like an American car owner, it looks like Brian Burke is giving up on buying American, at least briefly, in favour of a German import.

In yet another random move leaving Leafs Nation wondering whether Brian Burke is receiving tips from brilliant European scouting or simply drawing names out of a hat, German Olympian Marcel Mueller has been signed to an entry-level deal.

If you're asking who the hell Marcel Mueller is, you're certainly not alone. Mueller, who has never played outside Germany's top league, the DEL, spent the last three seasons with the Cologne Sharks. Last campaign, he netted 24 goals and 56 points in 53 games.

Aside from one good season in a pretty thin European league, one Olympic appearance, and an almost certain love of David Hasselhoff, what does Mueller offer the Leafs? It's hard to tell. The NHL and DEL have incomparable talent pools, and so a PPG year with Cologne doesn't mean much in NHL numbers. To me, this is a solid depth move that should shore up more prospects on the Marlies.

Likely outcome: Mueller will be a Marlie next season, maybe see a few games to fill an injury void. Little to no impact on the big club this season.

Your Daily Sign Kaberle Is On The Move: Brett Lebda

2010-07-07T17:30:00.000-07:00

Leafs sign Brett Lebda to a two-year deal at $1.45M a year.

On the surface, it looks like a bad deal, since the Leafs already have seven NHL-ready defensemen and really don't need another. On further review, though, based on what Burke's done so far, I have to say this is a pretty solid sign that Kaberle's days are numbered. Even more optimistic (though not guaranteed IMO), this should mean that Jeff Finger will be waived/buried in the minors; Lebda is a solid No. 6 blueliner who can take on Finger's role for a much cheaper price.

So, should Kaberle be dealt (likely) and Finger either waived or sent to the minors (possible), the blueline should likely look like this next season:

Beauchemin-Phaneuf

Gunnarsson-Komisarek

Schenn-Lebda

Or, in terms of ice time:

Phaneuf (30-35)

Beauchemin, Gunnarsson (25-30)

Komisarek (20-25)

Schenn (15-20)

Lebda (10-15)

Based on the current blueline, all the Leafs need for Lebda to do is to play limited ice time without making major screwups. The other top 5 d-men can do the rest. On the plus side, this puts the Leafs one step closer to trading Kaberle and removing the $3.5M albatross that is Jeff Finger's contract.

Great signing? Not really. But it's decent, and gets the job done.

The Pre-Game Ceremonies MLSE Should Be Planning

2010-07-04T23:52:00.000-07:00

If you're a Leaf fan, there are few things you understand better than other fans: seasonal depression starting sometime around April, alcoholism, an innate, visceral hatred of Kerry Fraser, to name a few. Another thing Leafs fans should understand well are pre-game ceremonies. MLSE dedicated vast time and resources to such ceremonies last season, and, with the new schedule out, I'm rolling with this theme night. If we're going to be delaying all Leafs home games by 15-20 minutes, we may as well do it the right way.

So, without further adue, are what we should be seeing for pre-game ceremonies next season:

Oct. 7- vs. Montreal

THEME: 2010 Habs Playoff Run Appreciation Night

To prove what good sports Leaf fans are, we will pay homage to our rivals, the great 2010 Montreal Canadiens team that made an improbable run to the Eastern Conference Finals by recognizing the players on the team that made it all possible. The announcer would call GM Pierre Gauthier, and Canadiens playoff MVP Jaroslav Halak to centre ice.

15 minutes are then allotted as audience wide 'laughter time'. Chanting 'Eller-Schultz' and 'Jesus Price' is both permitted and condoned.

Oct. 9- vs. Ottawa

THEME: Matt Carkner Night

In tribute to the Sens enforcer, all Ottawa players will partake in the pre-game skate wearing Carkner's jersey. In the likely event multiple Senators make eye contact with Colton Orr, the Leafs will win by forfeit after half of Ottawa's roster is immediately deactivated to the injured reserve.

Oct. 21- vs. NY Rangers

THEME: Passing of the Overpaid Torch

In a long awaited ceremony, former Leaf GMs Pat Quinn and John Ferguson, Jr, will be brought to the ACC to present the torch of overpayment in the salary cap era to Rangers GM Glen Sather. Rangers players Marian Gaborik, Chris Drury, Wade Redden and Derek Boogaard will be on hand as torch bearers.

Nov. 6- vs. Buffalo

THEME: Fan Appreciation Night

A general appreciation of the fans in the audience; the loudest, most passionate and knowledgeable fans in the NHL: the true, die hard Leaf fans....

....wait, sorry. My mistake. This is actually taking place Nov. 26th in Buffalo. Never mind.

Nov. 13- vs. Vancouver

THEME: Tampering Night

Leafs Coach Ron Wilson and GM Brian Burke will walk to centre ice, and list every player on the Canucks roster, front office, coaching staff, training staff and GM Place maintenance and food services that they wish to hire. Mike Gillis will pop a blood vessel and the Vancouver media will scream bloody outrage by the 1st intermission, or pizza is free for all fans at the ACC.

Nov. 16- vs. Nashville

THEME: Belarussian Fight Night

Leafs forward Mikhail Grabovski and Predators forward Sergei Kostitsyn will settle their differences once and for all in a pre-game slap fight. Winner receives a pre-determined pot of cash, hookers and blow from Montreal mafia contacts.

Nov. 22- vs. Dallas

THEME: Andrew Raycroft Tribute Night

A moving ceremony will be given in tribute to former Leafs goaltender Andrew Raycroft, now a member of the Dallas Stars, in his first return to Toronto since parting ways with the Leafs in 2008.* All tribute footage will come from the Apr. 7, 2007 game vs. Montreal and the Jan. 29, 2009, game vs. Colorado.

*Yes, we're sure this is his first time back in Toronto since leaving the Leafs. He definitely has not played in Toronto since then. Why do you ask?

Dec. 4- vs. Boston

THEME: Marc Savard Night

A night dedicated to the career highlights of recently-acquired Leafs forward Marc Savard. Please note in the unlikely event that Burke has not officially acquired Savard by this date, burlap sacks and chloroform will be provided to all fans sitting directly behind the Bruins bench. One ransom note and a couple of phone calls later, Burke should have that minor issue all cleared up.

Dec. 28- vs. Carolina

THEME: Jiri Tlusty Tribute Night

A video tribute will be shown of former Leaf Jiri Tlusty's highlights with the team. Please note that children under the age of 13 are not permitted to view the tribute. Viewer discretion is advised.

Jan. 6- vs. St. Louis

THEME: 90s Night

A reprise of a favourite theme last season. All Leafs will wear a jersey of a 90s Leaf great. In a riveting and inspirational pre-game ceremony, Wendel Clark will induce nostalgia by standing 30 feet from the net and shooting pucks at Jaroslav Halak's face.

Jan. 15- vs. Calgary

THEME: Darryl Sutter Night

Flames GM Darryl Sutter will be brought out to centre ice and given a 15-minute standing ovation from the ACC faithful for his efforts in moving the Leafs closer to being a legitimate contender. Somewhere, Doug Riseborough will be watching this ceremony while firmly in the fetal position, sobbing quietly in a corner and sucking his thumb.

Mar. 5- vs. Chicago

THEME: Welcoming the Defending Stanley Cup Champions

In a welcome to the defending champion Chicago Blackhawks, Leafs forward- and former Hawk- Kris Versteeg will be presented with his 2010 Stanley Cup ring. Following this, another ceremony will be held, where Versteeg will receive his 2013 Stanley Cup ring.

Apr. 9- vs. Montreal

THEME: 2011 Habs Playoff Run Appreciation Night

To prove what good sports Leaf fans are, we will pay homage to our rivals, the great 2011 Montreal Canadiens, and their long playoff run ahead. In honour of this, the ceremony will list off the tee times all Montreal players are scheduled for at the wonderous Glen Abbey Golf Club on the first day of the postseason. Habs franchise player Mike Cammalleri will be called to centre ice, and be given the one thing to help him go on another long drive through the spring: a brand new set of golf clubs.

The Burke Era Beginning: 1992 This Isn't

2010-01-31T20:53:00.000-08:00

If there was any moment that could sum up the very definition of irony, it happened to me yesterday.

Flying back home after a week in the Maritimes, I had to stop at the Calgary airport for a short layover. When my plane landed and I turned on my phone around 11:30 AM MT, I was bombarded with text messages and TSN alerts that made me do a double take:

Dion Phaneuf was traded to the Leafs.

At first, I searched my phone internet frantically to see if I could find any updates to the trade. All I found was that it was a big deal, and Matt Stajan and Niklas Hagman were likely involved. Soon, I'd find out Fredrik Sjostrom and Keith Aulie would go with Phaneuf, while alongside Stajan and Hagman, Jamal Mayers and mustachioed hero Ian White would go the other way.

My first reaction was shock. After walking out of the gate, the first thing I happened to see in the airport was a Flames kiosk. I stared dumbfoundedly at all the Phaneuf t-shirts emblazoned in red and black and thought to myself, "Really?"

I wasn't entirely on board with this trade initially. I felt that Nik Hagman and Ian White were harsh prices to play. On the flip side, if Phaneuf pans out to his full potential, it will be well worth the deal. As for the other two players sent to Calgary, it was apparent Stajan's days were numbered, while Jamal Mayers was not only useless, but was naive enough to believe he could actually demand a trade!

Basically, either team can 'win' the trade, but both teams definitely benefit. Following the Sam Pollock principle, in which the team that acquires the best player wins the deal, the Leafs have a distinct advantage in acquiring Phaneuf. But, the Flames do need depth and secondary scoring, something that Hagman and Stajan can provide for them. In acquiring White, Calgary acquires a solid two-way defenseman who could play a good 3-4 role alongside Bouwmeester, Regehr and Giordano.

More forgotten in this deal is the impact it will have on young players for the rest of the season. Think about the main complaint Leafs fans had in traning camp: the young players were being demoted for dead weight that had no future with this team. With four forwards being dealt in two deals and only one joining the Leafs, there are three vacancies up front. Factoring in the plethora of injuries, this ensures that: a) Tyler Bozak's roster spot is effectively permanent for the rest of the season, and b) Christian Hanson will be called up, and I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't sent down again. Throw in the potential for Viktor Stalberg to rejoin the Leafs, and you've got the entire Frat Line playing in the NHL at once. Remember how badly we all wanted this in September?

So, if you're looking for me to tell you who won this trade, look elsewhere. Both teams have found a serious upside in this deal, and I think either one, if not both, could boast it as a solid deal down the road. In other words: I see this being a potentially good, even great deal, for the Leafs, but it won't be the 1992 slam dunk that some might think it is.

In the end though, only one question lingers: why is it all the Leafs with killer staches find their way to Calgary eventually?

Paint By Numbers: A Tale of Two Teams

2010-01-07T01:35:00.000-08:00

Exhibit A: Phil Kessel

He currently has 22 points in 32 games. Not too shabby, but these stats don't tell the whole tale. He was, after all, injured for twelve games, and has met a considerable cold streak as of late, registering one goal in the last 10 games.

To break it down:

First 12 games of season- injury:

Kessel: 0G, 0A, 0P (obviously)

Leafs record: 1-7-4

Last 10 games- cold streak:

Kessel: 1G-0A-1P

Leafs record: 3-5-2

Put these 22 games together, and you see a non-consecutive stretch where Kessel contributes a grand total of 1 point. In these games, the Leafs compile a record of 4-12-6, which, in an 82-game season, is on pace for a total of 52 points.

Now, let's look at that middle stretch, also 22 games, that began with Kessel's Nov. 3 debut against Tampa Bay and culminated with the Dec. 14 victory over the Sens:

Kessel: 13G-8A-21P

Leafs record: 11-8-3

Using the 82-game calculation, this stretch would put the Leafs on pace for a total of 93 points.

The former pace would eke out Carolina for the cellar of the East, not to mention the league. The latter pace would be good for 6th in the Eastern Conference.

Don't let anyone tell you Phil Kessel doesn't make a difference.

Exhibit B: Jonas Gustavsson

Even after the 6 goal, 32 shot bloodbath the Flyers laid upon his stats tonight (largely the result of the players in front of him hanging him out to dry), Monster has posted a somewhat respectable 2.93 GAA and .904 SV% this season. Not only is this not bad for the team with the worst GAA in the NHL, but it's the best numbers a starter has put up since Ed Belfour (2.13, .918) in 2003-04.

Don't let the dead puck era stats above fool you. This is the first time Toronto has had playoff-calibre goaltending since the lockout. And, no, Gustavsson won't win a Vezina, but he's brought a skill set, a calm demeanor, and a confidence in net the Leafs have been lacking for some time.

He's made an impact, and the numbers tell the tale:

With Gustavsson in net: 8-8-7

With Toskala/MacDonald in net: 7-12-2

To be even more generous, I'll continue the theme of splitting the season thus far into separate 22 game segments, and give the Monster the benefit of the doubt on one of his worst losses of the season. This means we're looking at 8-7-7 (86 point pace), versus the games played by Toskala, MacDonald, and the one Gustavsson start against Calgary we shall never speak of again, which yield a record of 7-13-2 (60 point pace).

While the difference isn't as pronounced as the Kessel factor, it's definitely there. The latter would put the Leafs in a playoff spot. The former would make them barely better than Carolina's current pace.

Conclusions?

It's pretty much evident Kessel and Gustavsson make this team winners. Look no further than their early season absence, when the Leafs went 0-7-1. Can we really say that it's a coincidence that, upon Gustavsson's return, the Leafs win a game, get points, and become more competitive in games? And that, upon Kessel's return, the Leafs embark on a hot streak and the offense suddenly fires on all cylinders? Or that, when Kessel's offense goes, so goes the team?

There's some element of coincidence there, but one thing becomes painfully clear: the Leafs are only as good as Kessel and Gustavsson are. If Kessel is cold, the team is cold. If Gustavsson is not in net, the team's chances of winning plummet.

Ladies and gents, it's been a while since we've seen these, but they're what you would call...um...impact players. And the more you have, the better you get.

So, the Leafs are only as good in the future as their number of impact players will let them be.

Canadian Olympic Team and Leaf Olympians- Fifty's Picks

2009-12-27T17:13:00.000-08:00

I'll keep this simple, and offer these without further comment:

FORWARDS

Sidney Crosby (A), Pittsburgh Penguins (37, 22-24-46)

Shane Doan, Phoenix Coyotes (39, 9-15-24)

Ryan Getzlaf, Anaheim Ducks (38, 10-31-41)

Dany Heatley, San Jose Sharks (38, 23-21-44)

Jarome Iginla (C), Calgary Flames (36, 19-18-37)

Patrick Marleau, San Jose Sharks (38, 25-16-41)

Rick Nash (A), Columbus Blue Jackets (39, 19-17-36)

Corey Perry, Anaheim Ducks (38, 16-25-41)

Brad Richards, Dallas Stars (36, 10-32-42)

Mike Richards, Philadelphia Flyers (38, 16-15-31)

Jordan Staal, Pittsburgh Penguins (38, 10-13-23)

Joe Thornton, San Jose Sharks (38, 10-44-54)

Jonathan Toews, Chicago Blackhawks (31, 11-15-26)

DEFENSE

Jay Bouwmeester, Calgary Flames (36, 2-12-14, +7)

Dan Boyle, San Jose Sharks (38, 7-24-31, +7)

Mike Green, Washington Capitals (37, 8-28-36, +16)

Duncan Keith, Chicago Blackhawks (37, 6-26-32, +9)

Scott Niedermayer, Anaheim Ducks (38, 4-9-13, -13)

Dion Phaneuf, Calgary Flames (36, 8-9-17, +2)

Chris Pronger (A), Philadelphia Flyers (38, 5-19-24, +9)

Shea Weber, Nashville Predators (36, 6-12-18, +3)

GOALTENDERS

Martin Brodeur, New Jersey Devils (34, 23-9-1, 2.16, .920)

Marc-Andre Fleury, Pittsburgh Penguins (32, 22-9-1, 2.39, .911)

Roberto Luongo, Vancouver Canucks (31, 18-12-0, 2.33, .918)

What About the Leafs?

On the flip side, two Leafs players- goalie Jonas Gustavsson (Sweden) and forward Mikhail Grabovski (Belarus)- have already been named to their respective nations' Olympic rosters. Who else will get the nod? Here's a look:

ALREADY NAMED

Mikhail Grabovski, Belarus (39, 7-17-24)

Jonas Gustavsson, Sweden (21, 7-6-7, 2.86, .905)

CERTAIN OLYMPIANS YET TO BE NAMED

Phil Kessel, United States (27, 13-8-21)

Tomas Kaberle, Czech Republic (39, 3-31-34, -5)

ALSO AN OLYMPIC POSSIBILITY

Mike Komisarek, United States (31, 0-4-4, -7)

Leafs @ Blue Jackets: Welcome to Bizarro World

2009-12-03T20:37:00.001-08:00

Did Kessel really get into a fight?

Did Joey MacDonald, a journeyman backup from rural Nova Scotia, really make 3+ key stops on Rick Nash?

Did Jason Blake really score not one, but two even-strength goals?

Did the Leafs actually have a solid 1st period, and lead by as many as five goals at one point?

I think what I'm trying to say here is: did this game really happen, or did I just horribly oversleep today and dream this result up?

Toilet Bowl II: Leafs @ Canes Recap

2009-11-19T18:52:00.000-08:00

Fuck you, Hurricanes. Fuck you, Tim Gleason. Fuck you, Paul Maurice. Fuck you, refs. Fuck you, Jussi Jokinen. Fuck you, Stephane Yelle. Fuck you, Ric Flair. Fuck you, NASCAR idiots who set up the arena music. Fuck you, Canes ice girls (....well, I'd like to anyways).

I hate everyone. Fuck.

That is all.

Livin in the 80s

2009-11-14T21:56:00.000-08:00

Note to MLSE: let's try not to have any more of these "failed decade" theme nights. Because, really, when you celebrate a period of time where you couldn't even have a winning season, only made the playoffs by being barely better than some really awful teams, and your only highlight was drafting Wendel Clark, it just seems....weird. Also, I'd just like to point out that watching Luke Schenn wear Luke Richardson's jersey in the pre-game skate made me die a little on the inside.

Note to the Toronto Maple Leafs: just because the guys who run your hockey club decided to pay homage to a decade of piss-poor teams does not mean you had to go out and play like one of them.

To be fair, the Leafs picked it up in the second, throwing everything they had at Kiprusoff. But, that doesn't absolve them of the fact they had a huge hiccup in the first two minutes that, given the way their offense plays, more or less took them out of the game. The goals can't be blamed entirely on Gustavsson, but in giving up 3 goals on 5 shots, he did look a little shaky.

And, the Kessel watch is now: 4G, 3A, 7 pts. in 6 games.

3 UP/3 DOWN- Best and worst of the Leafs tonight.

3 UP

1) Carl Gunnarsson- easily the best defenseman for the Leafs tonight, and it was only his first game!

2) Luke Schenn- looked like the Luke Schenn of his rookie year being paired with young Gunnarsson. Easily his best showing of the season.

3) Phil Kessel- One assist, a myriad of chances on Kipper as the point streak continues.

3 DOWN

1) Rickard Wallin- lacked a presence on the ice, was nowhere near as defensively strong as usual, took a stupid penalty.

2) Jason Blake- pretty much the usual complaints about him.

3) Francois Beauchemin- despite a Gordie Howe hat trick, was brutal defensively, and it showed with a -3.

Honourable mention: the rest of the team, save for the three players mentioned before.

Next up, the Leafs play the Ottawa Senators on Tuesday, before facing a struggling Carolina team for the second time this month.

We're #29! We're #29!

2009-11-06T19:45:00.000-08:00

Them's the laws of hockey logic: the Leafs play four straight games absolutely dominating the play, getting the chances, and outplaying the opposing team, and lose every single game in extra time.

But tonight, the Leafs played one of the sloppiest games of the season, with several giveaways, creating multiple odd-man rushes in the Canes favour, and spent the majority of time in their own zone. They absolutely stunk in the 1st and went to the dressing room after twenty minutes down 2-0. Unlike those four games where they were the better team, Toronto did not give its best effort tonight. And unlike those four games, Toronto won. 3-2.

In the end, hockey is not figure skating; no points are awarded for artistic merit. A win's a win, and the Leafs could use one, especially when it means getting out of the NHL cellar and ceasing the Taylor Hall jokes. Still, the Leafs face a far superior Wings team tomorrow night, and will need to bring a better performance tomorrow if they want to make it two wins in a row.

Also: with an assist on Jason Blake's game winning goal, Phil Kessel has registered his first point on a Toronto Maple Leaf.

3 UP/3 DOWN- The best and worst of the Leafs tonight

3 up
1) Jonas Gustavsson- he's made key saves before, and he's played well before. But, he played beyond well tonight. He made more than just key saves. He made game-winning saves. His goaltending was an A+ performance. A sloppy Leafs team needed a franchise goalie-calibre performance to both fight back from a 2-0 deficit and protect a 3-2 lead. Gustavsson answered the call.

2) John Mitchell- put on the top line, playing centre to Phil Kessel after a solid outing against Tampa Bay, Mitchell put together another solid performance, scoring the first goal of the night to get the Leafs back in the game. In what has been a rough season so far for Mitchell, he put together a hell of a game.

3) Mike Komisarek- aside from two thunderous hits, Komi continued his streak of solid defensive play. Since the Vancouver game, Komisarek has turned his game around, and is starting to build himself up as a solid defensive defenseman and a potential "C" somewhere down the road this year.

3 down
1) Matt Stajan- the fact he got benched in the 3rd period should tell you all you need to know. Stajan continued his season-long Jason Spezza impersonation of doing drop passes to no one. Well, no one except the opposing team. He is slowly playing his way off the team at this rate.

2) Francois Beauchemin- Anyone who takes a blatant tripping call in the final 2 minutes of a hockey game when your team is protecting a one-goal lead should be forced to dragged the length of the ice by a zamboni in the nude after the game. Hopefully Ron Wilson worked something out to make this a reality.

3) Vesa Toskala- I can't really think of a third person as the other three potential recipients redeemed themselves. Nik Hagman made a bonehead play, but did some solid backchecking to make up for it. Jason Blake returned to his puck hogging ways, but you can't say many bad things about a guy when he scores the game winner. And Phil Kessel gets redemption for his brutal giveaway because he's Phil Kessel. And he had his first point as a Leaf tonight.

So, it's much, much easier to blame something on Toskala. And fun, too.

On that note, best of luck to the Leafs tomorrow night; due to a busier schedule, I'll forego the usual gameday thread for tomorrow. Enjoy the game, and GO LEAFS GO!

Fifty's Game Time: Leafs @ Carolina, Nov. 6, 2009

2009-11-05T23:01:00.000-08:00

Toronto Maple Leafs (1-7-5)

@

Carolina Hurricanes (2-9-3)

PUCK DROP: 7:00 PM ET/4:00 PM PT
TELEVISION: Leafs TV/FSN Carolina. Note how four different Canadian teams were on TSN this week, but *not* the Leafs. Something must be done about this horrendous pro-Leafs bias of the Toronto Sports Network!
SEASON SERIES (2008-09): 3-1 for Carolina.
TONIGHT'S BURNING QUESTION: Given the Leafs penchant for making every single goaltender they play look like a Vezina contender, will we see a massive transformation from Cam Ward: Regular Season Edition to Cam Ward: Playoff Edition?
LINEUP FOR THE GOOD GUYS: Entire lineup TBA. Likely to see Gustavsson get the start in net, and the top line will almost certainly be Blake-Mitchell-Kessel. Finger will be inserted in the back end (*chortle*). Exelby will be out.
LINEUP FOR THE BAD GUYS: Lineup also TBA. Cam Ward likely getting the nod in net. Zach Boychuk recalled from the AHL.
PRE-GAME PUMP UP VIEWING: A good way to get pumped up for a game against a team like Carolina is focusing your hate on the easiest target: Paul Maurice. To let the hate build, I suggest:

1) Watch Game 6 of the 2002 Eastern Conference Finals, which saw Carolina take away the best shot the Leafs had at the Cup this decade.
2) Watch every game in the 2007-08 season. in which Andy Wozniewski suited up for the team.

If you don't want to form a mob with torches and pitchforks outside Paul Maurice's house now, I don't know what else to tell you. You're just incapable of any emotion.
TRUCULENCE WATCH: Tom f***ing Kostopolous. Colton, I think it's time you....*ahem*...kindly remind Mr. Kostopolous about our "you break it, you buy it" policy on Mike Van Ryn.
OPPOSITION FANBOY LINE OF CHOICE: Does either team really have a lot to brag about right now? I think we just need to get together and bond over our experiences with Paul Maurice, and have a giant group hug over some tailgate BBQ.*

*offer not valid if the Canes actually win, their fans praise Maurice as a "Jack Adams-caliber" coach, or the Kostopolous situation is not 'taken care of'. Especially in the event of a blowout loss. If I have to hear that friggin Ric Flair goal horn more than twice, I will break things.
TOKEN PICTURE OF HOT FAN FOR THE OTHER TEAM:

This is how Swine Flu happens, kids.

As always, your questions and comments are always welcome. Reminders that the 2002 Eastern Conference Final ever happened, however, are not.

Fifty's Game Time: Tampa Bay @ Leafs, Nov. 2, 2009

2009-11-03T00:03:00.000-08:00

Tampa Bay Lightning (4-4-4)

@

Toronto Maple Leafs (1-7-4)

PUCK DROP: 7:30 PM ET/4:30 PM PT
TV: Sportsnet Ontario. Damn you, regional blackout!
SEASON SERIES (2008-09): 3-0-1 for Tampa Bay.
TONIGHT'S BURNING QUESTION: Will Tampa Bay's road record or Toronto's home record be the one to reach the ever-so elusive 1-4-1 mark?

LINEUP FOR THE GOOD GUYS (per Jonas Siegel):

Forwards
Blake Stajan Kessel
Ponikarovsky Grabovski Kulemin
Hagman Mitchell Stempniak
Primeau Wallin Orr

Defense
Kaberle Komisarek
Beauchemin White
Exelby Schenn

Goalie
Gustavsson

LINEUP FOR THE BAD GUYS: Posted when I find out what it is.
GAME TIME PRAYER: The Kessel Lord's Prayer, which goes as follows:

Our Kessel
Who art in Leafland
Hallowed be thy name
Thy health has come
Number 81
On the Leafs, as it was in Boston
Give us this day a point per game
And forgive us our losses
As we forgive those who are about to lose to us
The first line is your kingdom
The power and the scoring
Forever and ever.
Amen.
(P.S. No pressure or anything. Relax!)

TRUCULENCE WATCH: Steve Downie, Todd Fedoruk. If Downie's idea of truculence is still doling out cheap shots, Orr and Primeau should be there to make him answer.
OPPOSITION FANBOY LINE OF CHOICE: Tampa Bay has fans.....?
LEAF FAN REFUTATIONS OF CHOICE: See above.
TOKEN PICTURE OF HOT FAN FOR THE OTHER TEAM: 99% of them have forgotten about the Lightning's existence since 2004. The other 1% are ice girls, and therefore on the team payroll. And the less said, the better.

All comments, questions and reminders of how Martin Gelinas' Game 6 goal in the 2004 Finals was actually a goal are, as always, welcome.

Take The Long Way Home

2009-11-02T22:49:00.000-08:00

It's certainly tough to come to terms with: the Toronto Maple Leafs have just one win in twelve games.

The five game road trip saw the Leafs play their best hockey all season. After rolling off four consecutive demoralizing, lopsided losses prior, the Leafs looked like a whole new team. They worked hard, generated chances, and, most importantly, kept fighting even after deflating situations.

After a very undisciplined first period in their first game against Vancouver- one that resulted in an early 2-0 deficit- the Leafs kept momentum on their side for much of the trip. The way they played, they certainly were deserving of a 4-1 or 3-1-1 record. Sadly, there's this pesky thing called reality; unfortunately, hockey does not award points based on who worked harder, but who actually won the game. Unfortunately, this was more often than not the Leafs, who compiled a 1-1-3 record.

So, I'll start this blog off with a quick five-game recap:

Oct. 24- @ Vancouver (L 3-1)
The Leafs sorely outplayed the Canucks in this game, especially in the 2nd and 3rd, but major penalty trouble in the 1st put them in a 2-0 hole after 20 that a combination of offensive woes and Roberto Luongo hindered them from solving. White was the best D-man (as always), Komisarek easily played his best game of the season thus far, and Joey "Joe Joe Shabadoo Jr" MacDonald was solid, allowing only 2 goals and making 27 saves.

Also, I was at this game. Sweet!

Oct. 26- @ Anaheim (W 6-3)
I don't care if it took 3 5-on-3s. I don't care if it took 5 powerplay goals. LEAFS F**ING WON. FINALLY. Oh, and they now have a goalie apparently.

Oct. 28- @ Dallas (L 4-3, OT)
Once again, the team exhibited a lack of finish as Turco stoned them for most of the night.

But, the real storyline was Mike Ribeiro's Oscar-winning performance. The triple-threat actor/Portuguese soccer team captain/one-dimensional hockey player, who delivered a stellar performance in the thrilling Man Who Convulsed in Pain (But Miraculously Played His Next Shift....and Mocked the Other Team's Bench) in the spring of 2004 treated fans to his sequel: Phantom High Stick of the Hockey Opera. The critics raved! Ref Gord Dwyer said, "Ribeiro's performance was so realistic, I actually thought a stick hit him in the face. So then I called Mike Komisarek for a penalty. Oops?"

Ribeiro's epic blockbuster of the season will have plenty more showings. Admission price for the show is integrity.

Oct. 30- @ Buffalo (L 3-2, OT)
Ryan Miller stole this game for the Sabres. Ian White proved the power of "moustachulence" by scoring a PP goal in the first, Gustavsson put forth another impressive performance. But, the offense looked lost in the second, and half the team decided to do their best Jason Spezza impressions and make drop passes to no one.

Oct. 31- @ Montreal (L 5-4, SO)
Despite the best efforts and collective prayers of Leaf Nation, the unthinkable still did occur on this night:

Vesa Toskala started in goal for the Leafs.

After getting solid, game-breaking saves from the Monster, and decent goaltending from Joey Mac in Vancouver, I, for one, sure missed watching a goalie comically fumble a routine shot by a fourth-liner, letting in a deflating tying goal when your team scored first for the first time this season. Thanks, Vesa!

While we were led to assume Toskala came for Halloween this year as a competent goalie based on his play in the 1st, the Glen Metropolit blooper quickly proved otherwise. Based on the shootout, I think his costume was statue. That would explain how he literally did not move on Mike Cammalleri's shootout attempt. This led to the following Craig Simpson HNIC gem:

And it looks like the Habs have figured out where to shoot on Toskala!

Craig, when Toskala is in net, and doing his best lawn gnome impression, we have a term for that magical place to shoot: it's called the net.

To his credit, Toskala played well by his standard. But, please note that when I say "by his standard", I mean he played better than whoever was in net for the Timbits hockey game at the intermission. "Good" for Toskala is still "sub-par". And "sub-par" still translates to losses that could be wins with "good" goaltending.

Nonetheless, the Leafs had a very strong game; their penalty kill, for what feels like the first time since the lockout, actually did not give up a goal. This, however, was heavily negated by the fact that Hal Gill scored on the Leafs. Hal f***ing Gill. You could have two solar eclipses between the time this guy scores two goals....and he scored!

On the bright side, while Leaf fans cannot claim victory from this game, they can claim a moral victory on two grounds:

1) Their team did not dress for the game like some strange hybrid of prison inmates and barber poles.
2) Leaf fans don't heckle other teams while two goals up only to get scored on mid-chant. And then scored on again to tie the game.

On the bright side, however, November should be an easier month, schedule-wise. The Leafs play both Carolina and Tampa Bay twice, and also face slumping teams in Florida and Minnesota. To top that off, they face a Red Wings team that has been slumping, an Islanders team that, while on a hot streak, still is not great, and a home game against a Calgary team that hasn't won in Toronto since before the lockout. Of 13 games, it isn't a stretch to say the Leafs could win 7+ if they keep up the play of the 5-game road trip.

Of course, there is this other reason for optimism in November:No, I don't think Phil Kessel is Toronto's saviour. But if there has been one recurring theme over the past few games, it's been a lack of offensive finish. The Leafs can generate the chances, but not put them in the net. Honestly. Every game, you've probably seen at least two different situations where you say to yourself "Phil Kessel would put that in the net."

And now we'll see for ourselves, starting tomorrow. I promise you a game day post, but until then, GO LEAFS GO!

Fifty's Game Time: Leafs @ Buffalo, Oct 30, 2009

2009-10-30T13:27:00.000-07:00

Toronto Maple Leafs (1-7-2)

@

Buffalo Sabres (7-1-1)

PUCK DROP: 7:30 PM ET/4:30 PM PT.
TV: Sportsnet Ontario/MSG Buffalo. I recommend the latter if you can get it because of our good old friend, Harry Neale. And, while a Sabres homer, Rick Jeanneret is a pretty awesome play-by-play guy.
SEASON SERIES (2008-09): I don't wanna talk about it, okay?
TONIGHT'S BURNING QUESTION: After a road trip that has shown some steps of progress with a 1-1-1 record, can the Leafs come into Buffalo and record their first home win of the season?
LINEUP FOR THE GOOD GUYS (From PPP):

Forwards
Tlusty-Stajan-Stempniak
Blake-Mitchell-Kulemin
Hagman Grabovski-Ponikarovsky
Orr-Wallin-Primeau

Defense
Beauchemin-White
Kaberle-Komisarek
Exelby-Schenn

Goaltenders
Gustavsson
Toskala

LINEUP FOR THE BAD GUYS (from Die By The Blade):

Forwards
Vanek-Roy-Stafford
MacArthur-Connolly-Pominville
Hecht-Kennedy-Grier
Ellis-Mair-Kaleta

Defense
Rivet-Butler
Montador-Paetsch
Myers-Tallinder

Goaltenders
Miller
Lalime

GAME TIME DELICACY OF CHOICE: I'm thinking you can't go wrong with either the Buffalo hot wings a la Stempniak, or the Tlusty bratwurst.
TRUCULENCE WATCH: Leafs: Orr, Primeau. Sabres: Former Leaf Adam Mair; Patrick Kaleta....ah, who are we kidding? Kaleta, actually fight? Good one.
OPPONENT FANBOY LINES OF CHOICE: TYLER MYERS!!!!!1111 NO PLAYOFFS SINCE 2004!!!!!111 CONFERENCE FINALISTS SINCE THE LOCKOUT!!!!11 7-1-1!!!!!1111
LEAF FAN REFUTATIONS OF CHOICE: In this order- Luke Schenn, no playoffs for Buffalo in the last two seasons, les than 10 games into the season, Buffalo fails at life.
AVOID: Bringing the Buffalo Bills into it. Please. My Bills-loving, oft-broken heart can't take it. I beg you.
TOKEN PICTURE OF HOT FAN FOR THE OTHER TEAM: Um, this is Buffalo. You ARE joking, right?

All predictions, questions/comments, and hilarious innuendo about Tlusty's schlong are welcome.

"Who The Hell Are You?"; A Primer On What It Is I Do Here.

2009-10-29T00:32:00.000-07:00

Hello there Canada, and hockey fans in the United States and Newfoundland......

While readers from fine hockey discussion establishments such as PPP may know me as one of many commenting neophytes within the Leafs fan base, I felt two weeks made me important enough to garner my own spin off show. So here I am, trying my hand at blogging hockey.

I basically wanted to do this wonderful post-game mortem of the Leafs 4-3 OT loss to the Dallas Stars, I'm really too tired to write an insightful, humourous blog that will leave the blue and white masses tweeting about it for ages, so I'll just sum the game up in one simple caption:

And the Oscar goes to....

Anyways. Given that this is my maiden blog, and all three of you reading likely know nothing about me or what this blog will entail, I've decided to make my first blog the FAQ blog, in which I will address all the important questions. Questions such as, "Why would you call it FAQ when nobody has ever actually asked you these questions?"

My answer to that, by the way, can be broken down into four reasons:

1) I like making myself sound more popular than I am.
2) In reality, these are just seldom asked questions that are at risk of being frequently asked with increased readership. And I'm really too lazy to use an acronym like SAQTAARBFAWIR. Can you blame me?
3) If Howard Berger can take the opinion of one delusional Leaf fan (his imaginary friend Bill, who only he can see), and make it sound like the view of the entire fan base in every blog he writes, then I can pretend people actually ask me these questions.
4) Whatever! I do what I want!

Anyways. On to the questions:

Why are you starting a blog?

Short answer: I needed another outlet to procrastinate my growing mountain of schoolwork.

Long answer: Inspiration. Have you seen some of the Leaf blogs out there? There is an awesome group of bloggers covering the team. People who, even in the darkest day, can get a cheap laugh out of the fans over their own misfortune.

I got sucked into the world of Leafs blogging when I stumbled upon the greatness that is Down Goes Brown. DGB is like that one professor who can make you laugh, but at the same time, you leave his class knowledgeable and thankful for the experience. I don't think I would really realize what it means to wear the blue and white, the true definition of "truculence", or how awesome the Norris Division actually was were it not for this guy. Soon enough, I discovered the merry band of travelers on the road of truculence known as the Pension Plan Puppets. And, in the meantime, I've discovered several other Leaf blogs, largely through the PPP community. And I thought, "why not?"

I don't profess to be able to meet the standard of DGB or PPP. Nor will I try to be them. I want to be my own kind of blogger, and hopefully people who read the blog will like it. It'd be awesome to even be mentioned in the same name as those bloggers, and that's about all I'll strive for.

Who are you?

I am a fifth-year student at the University of Victoria and a die-hard follower of the Blue and White. Have been a Leafs fan since going to my first game as just a five-year old lad growing up in Toronto (a New Year's Day tilt against the LA Kings, I believe), and I've been following them religiously since the early days of the Pat Quinn era.

Wait. You're from Toronto, but you go to school elsewhere?

Yep. I moved to Victoria, BC, four years ago.

Oh! So wait...if you live in BC, why don't you cheer for the Canucks then?

Because I'm a REAL fan. And because I already cheer for a franchise that has a past record of underachieving and mediocrity, poor draft choices, godawful record-breaking losing streaks, and playoff runs that inevitably fall short and break my heart. Why would I leave all that to go cheer for a team that offers exactly the same things, but also demand I go to the nearest Home Hardware and pay $8.95 for a chisel to put a giant chip in my shoulder?

Plus, reading BC papers like The Province and the Vancouver Sun, while mostly devoted to the Canucks, still provide an adequate amount of subpar Leaf-bashing in the guise of Leafs coverage. This makes me homesick for Damien Cox, although I contend he'd know the difference between a hockey team and a friggin polygon.

Who are your favourite Leafs, past and present?

Past (retroactive to when I started watching them in the 90s): Doug Gilmour, Wendel Clark, Felix Potvin, Peter Zezel (RIP), Darcy Tucker (circa 2000-2004), Curtis Joseph, Gary Roberts.

Present: Niklas Hagman, Jonas Gustavsson, Luke Schenn (he'll get better, dammit!) Ian White, Ian White's moustache.

Basically, I like good goaltending. And heart. And moustaches.

Don't you know the Leafs are mediocre? They haven't won a Cup since 1967!

You don't say! My god; this is shocking! I had no idea!

Oh hold on a sec; Damian Cox just called. He wants 3 months worth of his columns back.

Yes, I'm aware they haven't won a Cup in (soon to be) 43 years. Yes, I'm aware they suck right now and have not made the playoffs since 2004. Yes, I'm aware the entire 1980s decade was a write off. But, mediocre? Hm, they also put together some pretty good teams in the Pat Burns/Pat Quinn eras, made the Conference Finals four times, won their division in 2000, and came one point shy of doing so again in 2002 and 2004. Under Quinn, they also had three 100-point seasons, two more in the high 90s, and between 1999 and 2004, made the playoffs yearly, and made it past the first round of the playoffs all but once. The Colorado Avalanche are the only team to do have done the same in that span, too.

Do I need to list the teams that are currently in Cup droughts, or have never won a Cup, and their success? Or can I just stop?

I'm a fan. I take the bad (and there IS a lot) with the good that's been and the good to come.

If you could change one rule in the NHL, what would it be?

The one that allows Gary Bettman to have any sort of authority. Or, failing that, the puck over the glass penalty.

What was the point of writing this blog post when most of it was just an opportunity for you to rant?

Ranting is what I do best. If you wish to test this theory, please bring up any of the following topics: JFJ, Habs fans, Canucks fans, the Phil Kessel trade, and Kerry Fraser. Bonus points to anyone who can put all five into a single topic that is epic rant-worthy!

And that about does it for the first blog. Til next time, dear readers (or is it reader....?)!