Insert your joke about Carlton scoring more than any other Leafs player here.
With the 2011-12 preseason coming today, and the regular season, not far behind, it's time to take a look at what the future will hold for Leafs Nation. And why bother predicting things in terms of wins and losses, when you take a look at the happenings of this next season? And so, here is my detailed prediction of the Leafs 2011-12 season.
OCTOBER 7: After a lengthy pre-game ceremony, set of player introductions, and sounding the ACC buzzer enough times to ensure every member of both teams is awake, the game actually begins.
OCTOBER 11: The Leafs take to the ice at the ACC for a game, only to be surprised to see no opposing team out there with them. When asked about this, coach Ron Wilson said, "I thought the NHL was joking when they said they gave us a week off two games into the season. I mean, when has their scheduling ever been that ridiculous?"
OCTOBER 15: The Calgary Flames visit the Leafs. A scheme put together by Burke is successful as Mike Komisarek is sent into the Flames dressing room on a fake errand and comes out with a 9-year contract from Jay Feaster.
OCTOBER 20: The Leafs visit the Stanley Cup champion Boston Bruins. Brad Marchand's attempts to rile up opposing players strangely ends in a deja vu of the Cup Finals, only Marchand is punching himself in the face without any retaliation while being encouraged by Dion Phaneuf to "stop hitting himself" for some reason.
NOVEMBER 2-3: The Leafs go on a two-game road trip, playing New Jersey and Columbus. Hockey viewership that week in Ontario is as high as it was the week in October that there was no hockey.
NOVEMBER 8: The Leafs host a struggling Florida Panthers team playing in a weak Southeast Division in what's billed as 'the easiest f@#$ing win you could ask for." So, of course, they lose 8-1.
NOVEMBER 22: The Leafs play their first game against the new-look Tampa Bay Lightning. Leaf fans fail to pay attention to the score as they spend most of the game confusedly trying to figure out which blue and white team is theirs.
DECEMBER 13: A home game against the Carolina Hurricanes- a team featuring many ex-Leafs- prompts a video tribute of highlights from the Leafs 2007-08 season. Consisting of three seconds of lewd pictures of Jiri Tlusty, it sets a record as the shortest pre-game ceremony in ACC history.
DECEMBER 19: After a game against the Leafs, a confused Kings team wonders why Drew Doughty isn't on the team plane. GM Dean Lombardi tells the team not to worry about it while, on the tarmac in his line of sight, Brian Burke is carrying an unconscious Doughty in a wheelbarrow while making the throat slash gesture in his direction.
DECEMBER 23: A confused Leafs team is late for its game against the New York Islanders after arriving at Nassau County Veterans Coliseum, only to find the doors locked and a note posted on the door with a forwarding address to some place in Brooklyn.
DECEMBER 25: Christmas Break. Either the Leafs are atop their division at this point, which will result in a long losing streak that will tumble them into a sad 9th place finish, or the Leafs are last in the East at this point, which will result in a four-month hot streak that will vault them into a sad 9th place finish.
DECEMBER 31: The Leafs ring in the New Year playing their first game in Winnipeg in fifteen years against the reborn Jets. Despite being sidetracked by the inspirational return of a small-market Canadian franchise in the first period, the Leafs finally remember they used to be the Atlanta Thrashers, and proceed to pummel them for nine goals.
JANUARY 5: On a day where the Leafs have a home date against the Jets, Torontonians are worried when what seems like an earthquake hits the city. In actuality, it was just Dustin Byfuglien and Kyle Wellwood getting off the team plane at the same time.
JANUARY 10: When the Buffalo Sabres visit Toronto, Brian Burke is angered to find out from GM Darcy Regier that no, Tim Connolly did not come with a two-year warranty, and, no, the Sabres will not send him a replacement.
JANUARY 19: The Leafs defeat the Minnesota Wild using the brilliant tactical strategy of convincing the team's leading scorer Dany Heatley that it's actually the postseason.
JANUARY 28: The annual All-Star Weekend, or as its better known in the Leafs locker room, The "So....Any Good Movies Playing?" Weekend.
FEBRUARY 4: The Leafs play the Senators, setting a Leaf franchise record for the largest home crowd turnout in history. Many pundits attribute this to the fact that the game was played in Ottawa.
FEBRUARY 14: In a game against the Calgary Flames, Luke Schenn lands in hot water after a questionable hit on former teammate Lee Stempniak. Schenn defends himself saying the contact was accidental because he didn't see Stempniak. The NHL sides with Schenn, stating that Stempniak being invisible is a common occurrence.
FEBRUARY 17: In a marquee Saturday matchup against the Vancouver Canucks, HNIC announcer Jim Hughson manages to stay relatively objective, only condemning two Leaf players to death for hits that were embellished by the Sedin Twins, and managing to blatantly celebrate Canuck goals without crying tears of joy.
FEBRUARY 25: In a game against Washington, confusion ensues when TV viewers think Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau randomly grew a beard. Further inspection, however, shows that it was actually a massive chocolate sauce stain his players neglected to tell him about.
FEBRUARY 29: The Leafs are shellacked by the Chicago Blackhawks when Jonathan Toews lights up the team for four goals. When asked about this, James Reimer said he was worried by Toews staring at him, thinking that Toews was trying to evaporate him with his mind.
MARCH 10: The Leafs manage to beat the Philadelphia Flyers by default. The team fails to show up for the game after getting stuck on Toronto Island, being sent there by Peter Laviolette after the Leafs front office convinced him it was the real 'Dry Island'.
MARCH 17: In a mid-March game against the lowly Ottawa Senators, with the Leafs outside of the playoff picture, Ron Wilson decides to fuck with the now-unemployed Howard Berger by calling for an illegal stick measurement after every single play.
MARCH 20: The Leafs, in the thick of the playoff race and coming off a 7-game winning streak, play an injury-plagued, basement-dwelling Islanders team who lost their seventh goalie of the season and had to sign the starter for a GTA beer league shinny team to a one-day contract to play out of desperation. The Islanders win 6-0.
MARCH 25: After captain Dion Phaneuf misses a game with an injury, Wilson is inspired by how contemplatively quiet the locker room is, until he's reminded that this is only because no one else on the team knows how to work the volume on the stereo.
APRIL 7: In the final game of the season with major playoff implications for the opposing Montreal Canadiens, the Leafs either win and knock them out of the postseason, or the Leafs lose and they squeak into 8th. Either way, the Montreal faithful flip over roughly ten cars and set them on fire, so the result doesn't really matter.
APRIL 8: The end of the season. As the team comes to clean out its locker, Ron Wilson wonders why his key won't open his office, and why his parking spot at the ACC says "RESERVED FOR S. GORDON." Leafs fans start deciding who will be their bandwagon team this season, before ultimately settling once again on whoever plays the Canucks. And bloggers continue recycling jokes from previous seasons they've used as material in the past.
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