The Calgary Sun: Not Even Worth A Puppy Or Parakeet

Ohhhh, Calgary Sun, where do I even begin with you?

'43 Reasons Why the Leafs Stink?' Ohhh, I get it! It's because....yeah! It's been 43 years since the Leafs won the Cup! I see what you did there! Did you guys think that one up by yourselves? Were you up all night scratching your heads thinking about that one?

Yes, 43 years is a long number. We get it. But, hey, while we're talking about long numbers...how about 21? That's a big number, isn't it? Sure, not as big as 43, but big nonetheless. That's also an awful lot of years to go without winning a Stanley Cup. It must be even compounded by the fact that, save for one run to the Stanley Cup final six years ago, the Flames haven't even seen the outside of the first round. Twenty-one years, three playoff series wins. Hey, I think the Leafs had more than that in 1993-94 alone, didn't we?

But, enough with the semantics. Let's read some of these reasons, shall we?

1. Because of Leafs Nation? -- C'mon, at least be original with your catchy little catch-all catch-phrase to describe the foaming-at-the-mouth, rabid, raving fanbase. Insufferable doesn't begin to describe Leafs fans.

This from a fanbase that calls itself the 'C' of Red. Yes. That's right; the 'C' of Red. It's not bad enough that your fanbase makes a horrible abortion of a Biblical reference, but...it has to throw in a terrible pun while doing so? Is this the kind of originality you were going for here? Because I mean originality is only really good when it's well....creative. And, y'know, not shit.

2. Because of Heist No. 1 -- Flames fans justifiably felt violated after Doug Gilmour, Ric Nattress, Kent Manderville, Jamie Macoun and Rick Wamsley were sent packing by Doug Risebrough for Gary Leeman, Craig Berube, Alexander Godynyuk, Jeff Reese, and Michel Petit. Thanks Doug.

3. Because of Heist No. 2 -- Deja boo for Flames fans as Brian Burke bamboozles Darryl Sutter into giving up one of his top three assets for a handful of extras. Dion Phaneuf, Fredrik Sjostrom, Keith Aulie for Matt Stajan, Niklas Hagman, Ian White and Jamal Meyers. Geez, nice one, Darryl.

4. Because the Flames have never fleeced them in a trade.

So....we stink because every time we make a deal with you, we come out on the better end of it? Wait a tick. If that makes us stink, then what exactly does that make you guys?

Really, you hate us because we whoop your ass at the GM table (though, arguably not hard when your GM is Glen Sather West) and you know it. And we've ripped you off royally twice in twenty years.

Hell, the Bruins have made like bandits off of the Leafs at least twice. I still don't carry that much of a grudge. Get over it, guys.

6. Because LEAFS is not even a proper word. It's LEAVES. They can't even get that right.

Well, I wouldn't expect anyone who writes for the Calgary Sun to know anything about history, so I'll fill you in: the Maple Leafs were a Canadian military battalion in the First World War. So, yes, it *is* spelled correctly. Didn't they invent Wikipedia so people could..y'know.....check their facts a little bit easier?

8. Because, snicker, snicker, they traded two No.-1 picks for Phil Kessell [sic]. Almost takes away the bitter taste from the Gilmour/Phaneuf robberies. We said almost.

First, spell check: Phil Kessel. And yeah, that trade might bite us in the ass. But it's not like we did something really stupid, like, I dunno, trade away an overrated player who contributed nothing to our team, and received two bad contracts in return, and then, to top it all off, re-signed that same player at free agency the next season. Not that such a thing would ever happen, because no GM is tha......

....wait, hold on a second. What's that? You're saying Calgary did exactly that?! Oooooooooh. Awwwwwk-waaaaaaaard.

11. Because even their best players end up getting the short end of the stick and leaving the team with a black cloud hanging over them -- Dave Keon, Lanny McDonald, Daryl Sittler, Mats Sundin, etc.

Harold Ballard is an idiot, Harold Ballard is an idiot, Harold Ballard is an idiot, Mats Sundin said one thing and did another. And our fanbase still loves every single one of these guys. We've forgiven Mats and moved on; you might recall that standing ovation he got during his return to the ACC in a Canucks uniform. It was back around the time Flames fans actually believed they were icing a competitive hockey team.

12. Because the ongoing Tomas-Kaberle-is-going-to-be-traded soap opera. Nobody outside of Bakczech, Czech Republic, cares about Tomas Kaberle ... and even they are sick of hearing about it.

Number of Tomas Kaberle trade rumours we've heard since August 15, 2010: 0

Number of Jarome Iginla trade rumours we've heard since August 15, 2010: more than 0

I rest my case.

22. Because Toronto's golf season is usually longer and Calgarians are jealous the Leafs always get to take full advantage of it.

Really? You're in the Western Conference basement, missed the playoffs last season, and you're still going to invoke a 'haven't made the playoffs since 2004' reference? And uh, hey guys, exactly how many times did you make it out of the first round in those glorious playoff runs since the lockout of which we've been deprived? Oh......right......

Man, you must have some serious envy issues to be so fussed over a two week difference in golf season.

27. Because Doug Gilmour won a Stanley Cup in Calgary. He didn't just drop out of the sky into Toronto. He was known to be a great player in big games long before going to his blue heaven.

Oh, we know. We know. Which you would think is, I dunno, the reason the Leafs acquired him? Luckily, he was apparently such a game breaker, that Calgary's GM was willing to part with him for peanuts!

...wait, we've covered that part already, haven't we? Well, shit.

28. Because of Harold Ballard. All these years later, he's still haunting the team. Wait a minute, that's actually a good thing!

You hate us....because of Harold Ballard? You hate the Leafs and their fans because of.....the indisputably most hated man by the Leafs and their fans? You hate us because of a man who's name alone invokes Godwin's Law? Yeah, makes perfect sense, I guess.

And yeah, he's really haunting us. Those two Conference Final runs under two years after he croaked were a reeeeal bad curse he placed on us. Or the two more that came after that. I'm shakin' in my boots, guys!

40. Because their disgruntled fans throw waffles on the ice. What's with that? Can't they find any bricks?

No, we totally can. Just, unlike Flames fans, Leaf fans actually understand the value of a balanced breakfast. And not committing assault and battery.

42. Because given the very unlikely chance they ever win the Stanley Cup, we will never hear the end of it.

Wasn't every year you were actually capable of making the playoffs supposed to be 2004 all over again? At least, that's what I kept hearing. You guys came within a win and a disallowed goal of a Stanley Cup and didn't shut up about it for five years!

So yeah, I think if we win, we've earned the right to be pompous assholes about it for at least double that time. I mean, unless, our Cup-winning roster totally pulls a Calgary Flames and just goes down the tubes.

...see what I did there?